• I Wonder If I’d Just Been Honest…

    by  • September 12, 2010 • Betrayal, Confession, Embarrassment, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    Dear Beautiful,

    It hurts me a lot that you said we were “over.”

    I feel like we came to an end before we even really got started.

    I know it’s my fault. I know that you had so much going for you and, in so many ways, I could only have held you back. Can you fault me for wanting you? You are spectacular… beautiful… I admire your ambition. I wish I had slowed you down when you said you liked me so much early on. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have fallen so quickly for you.

    You probably thought that I didn’t call because I didn’t care. That wasn’t it at all. I didn’t call because I’d told you I was still in school, when I’d moved back home. I was afraid that you’d judge me. I knew you would.

    You’re about to get your master’s, and I can’t even finish undergrad? I couldn’t bear to face making, much less seeing you, disappointed in me. It would have hurt too much. So I lied. Every time I said I was busy, or somewhere, I was with my family, and I didn’t call because I didn’t want you to overhear them over the phone.

    I was not intimidated by you, or by the things you wanted.

    Indeed, I felt I could measure up in time. I was inspired by you.

    But I just knew, me being in the position I was in, you’d shut me down. So I never told you. And in the end, you shut me down anyway.

    I’ll always wonder would you and I still be something had I just been honest with you about my situation. I’m still afraid to tell you. I care too much about you, to be faced with the feeling that I let you down.

    I hope I can redeem myself, but knowing you, you’ve already written me off.

    But I’ll always care.

    Lost You in My Lie and, consequently, My Life

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