• hopelessness is your cell

    by  • September 12, 2010 • Friends, Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    ‘man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.’

    Jen,

    Can I still call you that?

    You call me jaym…but that’s not my name. That’s what my best friends call me. That’s not what strangers call me. That’s not what bitches who care about no one but themselves call me.

    This isn’t just some random catfight between two girls. You meant..mean..so much to me. I told you EVERYTHING. One look and you knew what I was feeling. One carefully guarded answer to a hard question and you knew I was lying.

    God, you knew everything.

    When I couldn’t tell anyone, I told you. When I wanted to die, you saved me. We had our fights, but I always thought “we’re going to be friends forever.” This wasn’t that BFF bullshit that 12 year old girls talk of. This was deeper. This was something special. Until that day.

    That fucking day on the boat. What if I had kept quiet? What if I had told you that I was just feeling sick and had lost my appetite? What if you hadn’t noticed my jeans getting bigger and the circles under my eyes getting darker? What if?

    Maybe how much you care about me is directly proportionate to the amount of food that goes into my mouth. But then…you would care now, wouldn’t you? You would’ve cared two years ago when I finally pulled myself out of the shit hole I was in. When I saved myself. Without your help. Without your asshole boyfriend’s help. Just me.

    And now you want to be ‘civil’? You send me a message saying how you regret everything you’ve ever done and you’re trying to change?

    Bullshit.

    I don’t believe it for a second.

    But I respond. I tell you that I miss you and there’s so much I could say. Then you pounce. “He’s not good for you Jaym. I can see heartbreak from a mile away. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

    Boom.

    There’s the bomb that you drop..the bomb you ALWAYS drop.

    Wiggling yourself back into my life just to tell me what to do. So fuck off. This is my life. Why am I not allowed to be happy when you parade around like you’re the fucking best thing that the world has ever seen?

    God, I hate you. But I can’t live without you.

    -She thinks I’m much too thin, she asks me if I’m sick, what’s a girl to do with friends like these?- (remember?)

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