• Don’t see

    by  • September 12, 2010 • Disappointment, Family Stuff, Frustration, Grief, Loneliness, Parents • 2 Comments

    They don’t see me, not really.

    They tell me I’m a horrible person with a horrible personality that no one could ever love.

    They don’t see the tears. They don’t see the cuts, or the knife I keep on my bedside table. They don’t see me eat, because I don’t. They don’t see me in the bathroom, throwing up. They don’t see me shivering, shaking, crying, gasping for breath as I suffer a panic attack. They don’t see me stay up late trying to cope with all of my classes, the workload that they put on me. They don’t see how much I just want their approval. They don’t see that a 4.3 GPA is damn good, and hard to get. They don’t see me cry myself to sleep over the guy who calls himself my best friend, because one night he used me for my body then started ignoring me. They don’t see the struggle I go through everyday trying to find my spirituality. They don’t see the empty hole not believing in God or Christ or anything has left in my soul.

    They don’t see anything important.

    Instead they see the bitchiness.

    They see the fear that comes from hurting yourself. They see me sleep-deprived and rude. They see me push away food and they call me ungrateful. They see the one B on a report card of straight A’s. They see the 4.5 my GPA could’ve been. They see the guy who they loved so much, who stopped coming over because of how terrible I was. They see the heathen daughter who is an embarrassment to the family. They see the daughter who won’t believe in Christ or eat meat just to spite them. They see the daughter who is never good enough, never tries hard enough, is never thankful enough. They see the daughter they won’t admit to hating.

    They don’t see how much I hate myself, because that’s all I know how to do.

    2 Responses to Don’t see

    1. essel
      September 12, 2010 at 8:55 pm

      It’s horrible when you have parents like that. Who push you over the edge and there’s no one to catch you.
      The 4.3 GPA proves you are brilliant. Remember, there will be a day soon when you will leave for college/outside world and there will be no looking back. The day you become a succesful adult, it will be a slap on their faces.

      I know, I did the same.

    2. George
      September 13, 2010 at 6:13 pm

      …I am not sure how old are you. I used to be very hard on myself, but you know, with time what people think becomes less important. You know, I love physics, chemistry as it explains how the physical world works. I did not believe in anything that could not be seen. But then, by chance one day on the Internet I stumbled in a site that compiled the so called NDE – Near Death Experiences. These are the stories of different people that don´t know each other, different backgrounds, kids and adults. Religious, agnostics and atheists who were clinically death for some time and then revived. And you know what? I was shocked with the consistency of the stories. The paragraph of the kids and the long story of the articulated writer all told the same thing. Yes, there is a tunnel, an afterlife and things that matter much more than this physical realm. What you have and how important you are here are meaningless. Many of these people come back to give everything up, live a simple life and help others. Beautiful, isn´t it? If you have some time, check what NDE are about and discover the real meaning of happiness. We are unhappy because we are selfish. When we share and we live for others, we are fully happy.

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