• I just don’t understand.

    by  • September 11, 2010 • Family Stuff, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Parents, Yearning • 0 Comments


    You were the one who walked away when I was just a child.

    You had it in my head never to lie because it hurts people, and then you turned around and lied to me. You left me in the lurch, growing up without a father.

    Now that I have my own child, just a few years younger than I was when you left, I just cannot fathom treating him the way you have treated me. Your love seems to be like a yo-yo. Just as it seems to be in reach you yank it back as if to say, “Just kidding!”

    There are so many days I feel as if it would just be easier if you weren’t in my life at all. Then there would be no hope of having a good relationship, then I could move on with my life. Instead, you hang me by a thread, and like a child I grasp to that thread for dear life.

    I have had the experience of having a father’s love, both through my late step-father and my father-in-law. They have loved me unconditionally and received my love in return.

    The day Bill died was one of the worst in my life. Once more, I lost my father. The difference this time is that I know I held a precious place in his heart, and I will never lose that.

    The day I met Tim, he thanked me. I had finally done something that no one else had ever been able to do before, reunite him and his children. I will never forget that conversation on his back porch on the swing. His words were genuine and heartfelt. I know I will always have his gratitude and love.

    You have never once even been thanked by you for anything. Not even bringing the precious life of my son into your life.

    He loves you Dad, he adores his grandparents. His love is pure, he has no malice in his heart. He doesn’t know how to not love anyone. Such is the blessing of Autism. I beg of you, please do not hurt him like you have hurt me. I can find a way to let go of my own pain, but if you cause pain in his life I will never be able to forgive you or let that go.

    I know you didn’t want me. I know you only “allowed” Mom to have me because you wanted to keep her around. And I especially know you didn’t want a girl. However, I’m here. Your blood runs through my veins. I am your child, and all I ever wanted was to be loved by you.

    You have a good woman in your life now. Don’t screw it up like you did with Mom. Don’t treat her like you have me. If there is any love in your heart, give it to her. She deserves the best. And perhaps one day, she will show you how to truly love your children, even when they don’t fit into your perfect world.

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