I have spent the day in bed, surrounded by people who care but who are obviously not sure of how to console me.
And why should they be? What an unusual situation you chose to put us in. You were never sleazy, you were never the one who was supposed to hurt me. You don’t even look the same to me anymore. When you touch me I’m overwhelmed, I feel a familiarity I can’t turn away from.
But I also feel the ghosts of all the pain of James, your touch has become so similar and you always knew how much he’d hurt me. Before all of this you swore I would never have to feel that way again, couldn’t believe I could take him back.
And here you are asking me to do the same for you. You can’t lose me? Maybe too late. I was one fucking floor above you. Here you are, asking me to be there for you, always. No matter what.
How fucking selfish can you be? How irrational does that sound? Do you know how lucky you are that I would even allow you to speak to me? You’re the one who did this and yet I feel like I’m the one who has to deal with the fall out. Because I know for a fact that once the dust has settled, you’re going to look back on this and high five your hockey buddies. Bucket list item checked off. How fucking cool are threesomes? Let’s shot gun a beer and make fun of girls. Fuck you.
Don’t think for a second that just because you didn’t actually get the job done that you didn’t hurt me just as much. You still put that condom on. You still tried it out. Don’t think that just because you’re sobbing that I’ll forgive you instantly. Don’t forget, I’ve been this girl before. How dare you make me be her again.
You have turned out to be the biggest hurt I’ve ever experienced. I’m so confused. I’m still in shock. Who are you? Because this is not you. You don’t even smell the same. You weren’t this person. I wish the boy I told my secrets to would come back. But I think he’s gone forever.
I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone because of how much I trusted you. Because of how safe you made me feel. And I don’t even hate you. I don’t feel much of anything. I just feel sad. so bottomlessly sad. How fucking dare you do this to me when I’m miles away from my support system.
You think it’s hard? Because there are new girls and new experiences to be had? So break up with me first you fucking coward. I’m experiencing it all too, and there’s been next to no temptation. I guess that makes me stronger. Or maybe I just wanted us more.
You’re excited to fight for me? Go wild. I’m excited to stop feeling this way.
You want to marry me one day? You want to father my children? I call bullshit.
You want to spend forever with me but just not these months? You are a naive and weak little boy. You are so easily influenced that it makes me sick…
Oh but were so beautiful, baby. You were the sun and the fucking moon. I could have spent entire days just laying with you. sometimes we did. You were who I wanted , not who I needed. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. What about everything you promised and everything we said. What about the roses. Not a single one is dead.
I loved you enough to wash out that stain, knowing exactly what it was as I did it. Maybe I should have let it be. Maybe you need to see the blood on your hands. Oh wait, I mean your boxers.
This is all so fresh. This day is the slowest of my life. I don’t know where to go from here.