• Am I Depressed?

    by  • September 10, 2010 • Depression, Grief, To Everybody • 7 Comments

    Dear AnyoneThatWillListen,

    Sometimes, I wonder if I should kill myself.
    I really do wonder.

    And sometimes, I wonder why I exist, and sometimes I still wonder if somehow, I can become non-existent. And I don’t mean non-existent as in I die and leave earth. I mean, non-existent, as in: I was never here, I was never born.

    Sometimes I wonder if I could undo my life. I guess that’s what it is.

    But is that cowardly?

    I’m sorry if it is… but deep down inside, I hate my life.

    I shouldn’t feel this way. There are people that have it MUCH worse than I do… but deep down, I really don’t like myself…

    I wish I was better. I wish I could excel in everything I did. I wish I wasn’t lazy. I wish I wasn’t stupid. I wish that I could do something with my life. I wish that people wouldn’t look down on me. I wish I could just, do things when I said and just get everything done.

    There are many other things I wish for, but I don’t think I can do any of these things, so I wish I didn’t exist…

    I’m sure you don’t want to hear my depressing story, but I have no one else to talk to.

    I would talk to a friend, but none will listen, and none will be able to help me. And if they can, they’re too busy or something to care.

    I would go to a (Christian) counselor, but I don’t even know where to go…

    So, what’s left is, I have to deal with this myself… all these feelings, and I don’t think it’s working very well…

    Am I depressed?

    Sometimes I think I am, sometimes I think I’m not. Sometimes, I think it goes away…

    But then it comes back like this and I wonder if I am…


    I’m 18, and I can’t really see my future…
    I don’t know what to do…

    Yeah, maybe being non-existent sucks, but I don’t know what else to do.

    Like, I think my life has been screwed over for awhile now..

    I’m really wondering if I want to stay alive… I know it’s selfish and cowardly and such and such to commit suicide, but… I don’t know if I want to live anymore..

    I’ll give it another week and see how I feel.

    Thank you for listening…

    7 Responses to Am I Depressed?

    1. i cry at night too
      September 10, 2010 at 1:39 pm

      Please don’t end your life because right now life seems dark. Trust me, I know what you’re feeling and im sorry. It’s an awful feeling but the truth is you do matter whether you think so or not. For me I have to remember that for things in life to change, something has to change. I suffer from depression, but I try every single day to not allow that feeling to determine how I am…it’s a choice. I will listen, cause I understand what you’re saying. Keep going on with life:)

    2. justin
      September 10, 2010 at 2:27 pm

      Ive never written to anyone i didnt know. ive never read a story like urs. ive never had the courage to reach out and try and help. if you want . i would love for you to call email write me. (see admin note below) how about this. u worte a letter u never wouldve wrote. and i am reaching out to a letter where i have never had the courage to help. lets both try to talk to each other and see where it goes. so simply. how are you? lets talk. about anything anyone any place any time . ive never done this but i feel like we should talk πŸ™‚ hope we can. and just remember, u wrote a letter that u never wanted answered ( or maybe you did) and i am answering a letter that i never thought i would. no harm πŸ™‚ but lets try πŸ™‚

      *** It is lettersillneversend.com’s policy not to publish email addresses. If the writer is interested in receiving the commenter’s email address please contact the administrator. Thank you!

    3. iLoveYou
      September 10, 2010 at 4:43 pm

      please please stop feeling like this! there are so many people in your life who love you and care about you so much and you dont even know it. i care about you and i dont even know you. i am 20 years old, and believe i have been there. i hated my life all throughout high school and often fantasized about how i could end my life or wondered if anyone would notice if i was gone. i know it can be irritating to hear this, but it is just a part of growing up. there are so many great things in this world, you just need to find something that you are passionate about and put all your efforts into pursuing it instead of feeling bad about yourself. young people dont always have a lot of accomplishments to hang on their wall, but you know what? a lot of people who do have these things, or are the smartest or richest people in the world can still feel exactly the way you are feeling. keep your chin up and try to find one small thing each day that you are happy about, these things are there i guarantee you, sometimes they are just really hard to find.

    4. J
      September 10, 2010 at 6:10 pm

      I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I want to let you know you’re not alone. I know very few people who haven’t gone to therapy at some point. I have too many friends who have thought or attempted suicide.

      I deal with anxiety and probably borderline depression sometimes. I know what it feels like to just not want to exist. I wonder sometimes what everyone’s life would be like without me there. If it would better, or worse. If it would change at all. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely no one. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, that no one will care. That in the end, I mean nothing.

      But its wrong! There ARE people you can talk to. There are people out there. The fact that you posted something on here is even a good thing! You wouldn’t believe the people you can turn too… Sometimes, the person you least expect can save you. It takes some people longer to see whats wonderful about them, and some people never quite believe it. But try. I cannot stop you from doing anything, I don’t even know if you’ll read this, but I hope you do.

      Find something you love. Draw, paint, play a sport, do yoga. Even find a tv show that you love. Go running. Listen to music. Learn something new.

      If you want to find a therapist, regardless of the religious affiliation, ask your doctor. Google it. Look in the phone book. If you’re at college, you can go to your school counselor. Trust me. It helps.

      I don’t know if you’ll read this or if it will help, but I hope it does. <3

    5. admin
      September 10, 2010 at 6:50 pm

      I hope you read this and see all the support that you’re receiving. These are survivors and many of them have been through exactly what you are going through.

      Please go to the website below and find someone who can help you professionally. You need to open yourself up and let someone else take care of the parts that you can’t

      Or simply pick up the phone and call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 if you’re in the US.

      You ARE loved…and it would be a HUGE mistake to not at least TRY to feel better. We, all of us, are in your corner!

    6. cassie
      September 10, 2010 at 8:06 pm

      “Many of the things you do in this life will be insignificant but you must do them anyway” Gandhi

      Been struggling with major depressive disorder for 7 years now. I do not feel that any of my family understands, which makes it hard for me to believe they care when I’m depressed. Yet I do know they care.

      Here are some tips I picked up through counselling on how to cope:

      1) Deep breathing- when the thoughts hurt you, and the tears are warm and wet. inhae deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth.

      2)Go for a walk- THIS IS THE HARDEST THING TO DO but one of the most effective. Count it as a big accomplishment that you got out of the house. Look for amusement, happiness, beauty on your walk.

      3)Get enough sleep: If you have to take a pill to do it, so be it. It’s incredibly important for your body to have enough sleep. Sleep too much? Exercise. Even a little bit (stand up and do some jumping jacks)

      These are some of the things that help me along and that you can do BY yourself FOR yourself. Take care of that little girl or boy that you have in you because no one else is going to do it.

      *The quote is meant to imply that even though you may think your life has no meaning, direction, purpose, etc…just by continuing to live, you are accomplishing something good*

      Love and Light to you my kindred friend πŸ™‚

    7. notalone.
      September 12, 2010 at 6:09 pm

      im wondering if you tore out a page from my journal and published it, because i know exactly how you feel.

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