• deceit

    by  • September 8, 2010 • Betrayal, Cheating, Fear, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Regret • 3 Comments

    There is no other outlet but here. I need to get this off of my chest. I have been holding this in for too long and it is eating me alive. I love you more than words can describe so how could I cheat on you? More than once! With your best friend, my best friend, and a random person. It happens throughout all of my relationships and I don’t understand. I thought I wouldn’t do it this time, I thought u were different. There has to be something wrong with me. Why can I not stay faithful? I wish I never did any of it. Because each day is a torture. I wish I could say I didn’t cheat to your face and be telling the truth.

    I’m so sorry, and now that I have done this I don’t trust you! What irony. I hope this isn’t the reason why I feel like our relationship is going nowhere lately. But its been so long since this has happened! I wish I could do all the things I want to do and then get back with you and get married and have kids.

    But I can’t have my cake and eat it, too. I am not even sure about myself! I have fantasies of being with other girls and watch lesbian pornography. Nobody knows these dirty little secrets. I’m so confused with myself but I know I want to be with you in the end. I wish there was I way I could experience all of the things I want to experience while keeping you mine at the same time. But I know there isn’t.. someone tell me what to do.


    3 Responses to deceit

    1. tell me
      September 8, 2010 at 6:51 pm

      I don’t know what to tell you, I don’t have an answer. but you aren’t alone in having lesbian fantasies but loving someone. and hopefully it helps you knowing someone else has the same problem.

    2. Mockingjay
      September 8, 2010 at 9:01 pm

      Aside from the cheating, the lesbian fantasy should be okay with the significant other. Heck, he may enjoy it with you. The cheating on the other hand… I hope things work out for you. Honesty’s usually the best policy.

    3. J
      September 8, 2010 at 10:10 pm

      You sound young and tortured.
      When I was young, I had those feelings too. I even slept around, sometimes cheated. I did lots of one night stands. I lost respect for those I slept with as soon as I slept with them. I even lost respect for my boyfriends because they loved me. I think it was because I was taking the first strike before they uncovered how I disliked myself.
      Are you struggling with some past abuse?
      Trust me, you need to delve into this part of yourself. In a few years, you will really want love and not be able to find it. You will be toxic.
      I lucked out and my former love–who I had hurt a lot–returned to me over 15 years later. It was only after many painful years of trying to love, not loving myself, hurting others, and getting hurt.
      Although my love is with me now, all those years of pain and longing were not worth it.
      Find professional help, NOW.
      Good luck!

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