• I’m not who you think I am

    by  • September 7, 2010 • Depression, Grief, Inspiration, Love - Pure and Simple, To You • 1 Comment

    Dear those around me,

    I want to let you know, that you make me feel low. You may think everything about my life is fine and dandy, and that I’m just living it carelessly and taking a year off and being lazy and w/e just for the fun of it. You may very well think that. You may think that I don’t care about what you say, or that I procrastinate too much, or that I don’t know what I’m doing. You may think that I really don’t want to do anything with my life except stay home. You may think that I’m always going to be the same girl.

    But the truth is,
    I deal with depression still.

    There are many times where I just, hate myself, because I fail so much.

    Let me tell you something: I hear much more discouragement and criticism and failure than I do hear about accomplishments or something I did well, or even if someone is proud of me. I hear the worst of myself much more. Nearly every day. And if someone, like you or my family, isn’t reminding me of how much I suck, my mind doesn’t let me forget.

    But I won’t tell you this.
    I’ll never tell you this, because I feel that you’ll judge me…
    You’ll get annoyed with me for still being depressed. Yeah, I stopped cutting myself, but that doesn’t mean it’s over. Getting over depression takes time. Sometimes, God won’t always heal instantaneously. Sometimes healing takes time.
    Life happens.
    Situations happen, and bring me back to this state.

    I don’t like asking for what I need. I don’t.
    But I know that what I need is consistent encouragement, which I don’t get from anyone…

    I’m not who you think I am…
    And there are times where I want to break out and scream at you.
    Scream at you all.
    Yeah, I’m not perfect either, I understand that, which is why I don’t scream at you.

    But yeah…

    I know many of you probably think I won’t amount to anything. Rightly so I guess, because I haven’t been doing anything.
    But I need help…
    I need help…

    And I don’t know where to go… I don’t know who to turn to… because I don’t want to to be judged for my feelings. I don’t know who I can really trust…

    Yeah, you say, “Go to God with it”.
    … It’s not always that easy…
    When I feel that I can barely trust anyone else, and when I feel that I’m unlovable and such – what makes you think that with God it’s different?
    Well then again, you don’t know where I’m coming from… But maybe if you took a walk in my shoes…
    I mean, I know my life could be worse. My life could always be worse.
    I should be thankful. And I do feel bad for being depressed and everything when I shouldn’t… but I am.
    And maybe if you took a walk in my shoes, you would see it from my point of view, and see that it isn’t so easy…

    I know that yeah, this letter was selfish. I was conceited, and thinking about myself too much. I know you’ve done many things for me and such.

    But I’m hurt.
    And I’m angry.
    And I’m depressed.

    There are still many times I think about ending my life…
    I won’t, because people like my boyfriend (that you don’t and won’t know about and yes, is 7 years older than me. But I don’t really care what you think at this point. I love him. He loves me. That’s it) remind me that there are those that love me… And people like my godbrothers remind me that there are people that love me… and my brother constantly reminds me that he loves me (hm.. I’m going to write a thank you letter about that).
    I know that you love me too.
    Again, you’ve done a lot for me. I really shouldn’t be complaining…but I just wanted to let you know.

    I’m not who you think I am.
    I am responsible (despite your constant words that I’m not). I will do something with my life. I know what I want to do, it’s just that it might take awhile longer than you and most other people because I’m dealing with some heavy depression right now, and a lack of encouragement.
    I will cook, and learn to braid hair.
    I will do all these things…

    And that’s what I want you to know.
    This is why I wrote this letter that I’ll never send…


    One Response to I’m not who you think I am

    1. M.
      September 7, 2010 at 5:09 pm

      Dear CB,

      I have been where you are many times before. In fact, I am there right now. I spend my days sitting in my bed, waiting, just waiting.
      Sometimes I think I should kill myself, but that would just prove that I can’t do anything well but to end it.
      And that is just plain wrong. I’ll tell you what: (though I should be also telling this to myself) Get away from people that hurt you. Do not listen to the way they tell you you’re not worth it. Believe me. You are. Everyone is. Even serial killers are loved by someone in some creepy way.
      Procrastination is just one way of feeling scared. It’s o.k. I guess you are young, and have a whole life ahead of you.
      What do you like to do? Do it. Go to the gym, take a walk outside, put your headphones on and hear some blues. Cry, but always find some way to laugh. Try to stumble upon curious things in the street: a baby smiling, an old man feeding doves in the park. Read, write, sit down near the window and see the sky… I don’t know why I am even telling you this, I should do it myself too.
      I know what you’re feeling. I’m feeling it too. And maybe just like it happened to me, it may help to know that there is someone out there, in another country (most probably) who will also never send a letter like this to anyone.

      Take my virtual hand and let’s get out of this f’ing depression together.

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