• Unfortunately, I still love you.

    by  • September 6, 2010 • Breaking Up, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Well, Ryan, here I am. Typing this letter, of which I’ll never send to you. Partly because I know you won’t care, and I wouldn’t want you to feel bad. I never wanted you to feel bad about anything. The day after you made me break up with you, I was laying on my bed, tears falling like rain, when all of a sudden, I heard, “Everything you say, every time we kiss I can’t think straight, but I’m okay. And I can’t think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you.” That was our song. That was your ringtone. I grabbed my phone and saw your name. I froze. I felt my heart leap into my throat and drop in my tummy at the same time. I quickly flipped open my phone and saw your text. It was simple. “Hey:)”. I didn’t want to reply, because I didn’t want to think of you. I wanted you out of my thoughts. But something came over me. I typed “Hello” and pressed send. You had asked my if I was okay. You’ll never know this, but that meant the world to me. To know that you cared, even the slightest bit, and wanted to see if I was alright. Ryan, I’m still in love with you. I hate that we have English together. Whenever I see you walk into that room, I want to run over and wrap my arms around you, like the good ol’ days. And after I do that, I want to punch you. To pound on your chest. To scream in your face. To let you know just how much you’ve hurt me in the past eight months. You continuously broke my heart over the course of our relationship. I never told you, though. Because I loved you too much with every shattered piece. Just when I thought I had pulled it all back together, there you go again. Breaking it. Smashing it to bits. I guess I should be happy now. Happy that we’re not together. That there won’t be anymore heartbreak. But I’m not. I’d rather be together, and have you mend and break my heart over and over, then just sitting here alone. I literally can’t do anything without it reminding me of you. I think about you way more than I should, and I’m sorry. But I love you. I can’t love anyone else right now. You’ve got me terrified of love. I can’t even say, “I love you” to my best friends anymore because of you. Thanks, for ruining my life. But I still love you.

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