• I’m haunted

    by  • September 6, 2010 • Betrayal, Cheating, Grief, Letting Go, Lost Love • 1 Comment

    This separation has been tough. I think more so on you because I was the one that left. I had prepared myself for it. I’m still not sure why or how you didn’t see this coming. But still, it happened, and it’s been 4 months of this.

    I finally decided that we should go to counseling before we finalize a divorce. I said that I didn’t want to be a year out of a divorce and regret not trying everything.

    When you dropped that load of news in my lap last night, um, I think my heart stopped working. I wasn’t prepared for that. Not at all. My biggest fear has come true. The one thing that I never wanted to happen to me, the words I thought I would never hear come out of your mouth. And they did.

    This pain..this pain I feel, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my chest. In my heart, and my brain. It makes me sick to think about it. I’ve lived a life with someone I thought I knew, who had a completely different life the entire time. The ENTIRE time. A completely DIFFERENT life. One that I always questioned in the back of my mind, but you told me to trust you and I did. And it turns out, all of those fears, they were for good reason.

    What betrayal I feel. And two days before our first counseling session? Wow. What a blow. How does someone do that? How does someone sit in their selfishness, wrapped up in all of their shit, and not even give it a thought that maybe that would hurt the person they said forever to? How does that happen. I knew you were selfish, husband, that’s why I left. It was never about me. But everything makes so much sense now, and I don’t know how to handle the sense.

    You never wanted me, because you had hundreds of others. Why want your wife? You’re average 5’6″, 115lb wife? When you can have big boobed blah blah, and big ass so and so? Yea, I wouldn’t want me either. I wouldn’t look at me like I was anything special, too.

    And really? You would stoop so low as to get on Craigslist and look up girls that are willing? Really? And forget to delete it? And when I find it, laugh and say, “that was a total mistake. i promise, it’s not what it looks like.” And I forgot about it. I did. I was told not to, and I let it go, because you couldn’t stand me questioning you…

    I’m so beyond overwhelmed. I feel like shit. My body is aching, and all I want to do is sit. Stare off. Not feel a damn thing. But my mind won’t leave it alone. My mind keeps retracing every step of “us” and pointing out the signs I ignored. How stupid am I? I’m such a smart girl, I can’t believe I let you blindside me like this.

    How am I supposed to let this go? How am I to move forward? I’m trying. I’m trying really hard. I am. I just don’t know how to.

    I’m going to try. So I guess all I can say is, hope you don’t do it again. I can’t talk about this anymore. It makes me physically sick.

    It is what it is.

    One Response to I’m haunted

    1. srsly
      September 7, 2010 at 4:14 am

      I know you are in pain, and you have to have loved him at some point, to marry him, but let him go. He’s toxic for you. You’re beautiful the way you are and somewhere in this world is someone who will see that for what it is. Their destiny! Less that POS go and make yourself happy. The right guy will come along. You will heal. And you will still have your dignity intact. I’ve been there, minus the marraige, with my daughters father. ( years he’s been doing this same stuff to every girl he’s married. He’s not even 30 and he’s been married 3 times and has 6 kids,because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Fuck that, I wasn’t about to marry less than I was worth. You’re beautiful! You must know that.

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