the following selection of words and sentences have been in a notebook for the past 4 months. I’ve added to them on nights when i couldn’t sleep. i cant sleep tonight, i think its time to publish them. take them as you want. this is me.
You cant write beauty like this.
the skyline, reaching into my lungs
giving me breath, calming my heart.
A whisper of reassurance, capturing my every nerve. There’s nothing like the feeling of knowing, knowing you belong where you are.
Feeling the warm air hug your shoulders, the smell of sea salt and bliss.
I never want to leave this city.
His Voice, like smooth chocolate,
divides the world within gravity, which is no longer holding me up.
He alone gives me gravity to barely stand on my feet. He and I, the two souls on the planet. Like two pilgrims, i softly quote Shakespeare that my mother used to sing to me, i become lost in those eyes. Like two pilgrims…i become weak. I love him, more than words can describe. i need him, whole heart and soul. My passion for his fibers become my ultimate demise. i loose him. He becomes just a distant memory that i can barely withhold. I stuff myself with immorality and shame as i gain more and more understanding of how flawed i am. My stomach turns to knots at the sight of them. I feel crowed with questions that fill my mind. Racing like cars on the interstate. i lay in bed, my toes stretching to the end of the frame. the cold touch sent vibrations through my body. I close my eyes and try to imagine what I could change at the drop of a hat, what I would fix in an instant. The sound of the wind floating through my window swirls through my hair to my ears and quietly lulls me to sleep. My dreams, rushing from one scene to another seem like insanity once I wake up. Nothing makes sense, and I find myself wishing for normal consistent, dreams. I want to wake up with you by my side. Whispering good morning I love you. I want to feel the security of love, knowing that someone thinks of you, more than you think of them.
I wonder how many other people are like me, and are in love with someone who doesn’t exist. Or maybe it’s that I’m in love with an idea, and idea of a man to come home to. I feel lost in my own fantasies, wondering where I begin and where I end. I feel lost in my own thoughts, they don’t connect.
My limbs ache as I sink into this mattress. I wonder how much farther I’ll go. Life feels like a constant sink, swirling down and down until you reach a deep hole and plummets you down to god knows where. I need someone to pick me up, to reach down and grab me by my shirt and tell me that today is not the day. I wish I had faith to know that I’m saved. I used to, but with growing age I become more and more distant to the faith I need.
Inside my head I’m the same but on the outside I’m changing. Becoming more of what I’ve wanted to be. Part of me wonders….will people still love me for who i am? Or will they love me for the new version?
i want happiness, i want change. i want the world to know that i have so much love to give, but i need someone to show me how to use it. I’m not afraid of being the person i am, I’m just afraid of the world and how it perceives me.
As the moon rises high in the sky i listen to the quiet sound of passing cars, i sigh a sigh of relief, knowing that I’ve made it through another day.
Loving, Living, Learning. take a breath and let it in. Jump, and don’t be afraid of the fall.