• Suicide Intoxicates My Life

    by  • September 5, 2010 • Depression, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love • 5 Comments

    I dream of suicide. I think of Sylvia Plath and how her happiness was tortured by her genius. Sometimes I wish I was stupid, I wish feelings were something that we’re too good to be wasted on me. I’m pitiful, I choke on the air I breathe and all I want to do is drink until I can’t speak. I remember the night 4 years ago like it was yesterday and I didn’t want to be saved. Sometimes people just aren’t supposed to live past 18. I wish my roommate never called 911, dying was an amazing feeling. At first I started shaking really hard, and then I lost all function in my hands, legs, arms and soon after I was completely numb, I couldn’t even climb up into my bed. My speech was slurred my eyes we’re rolling in the back of my head. I knew I was going to die, but then the ambulance came and they had to revive me, I wish they would have let me die. I feel like I reached all of my accomplishments in life, what else can I be good at? I can’t be good enough for you, because if I was then there wouldn’t be the pain. You’re not the reason I want to die, but you are the reason I’m still alive. I can’t drown in your ocean of lies, deception, and other women. I can’t be your good time. I want a reason to want to live and not just to be living. You aren’t my reason, but it still kills me. I think the next time I do it, I’ll do it right where nobody can see me swallow an entire bottle sleeping pills, where nobody can find me until it’s too late. There are so many other people that deserve to live that have already died. Maybe I should sleep on it and see if suicide is still the only thing on my mind.

    5 Responses to Suicide Intoxicates My Life

    1. srsly
      September 5, 2010 at 2:37 am

      did you see the letter below yours? the one from the mother to her child? i agree that some people shouldn’t be aloud to live, but we dont get to make that choice

    2. Jack
      September 5, 2010 at 4:05 am

      That “amazing feeling” wasn’t dying that was overdosing

    3. Simon
      September 5, 2010 at 8:06 am

      I feel this way too

    4. Nan
      September 5, 2010 at 12:53 pm

      Depression is a black hole in your gut that sucks all the good out of life. Sometimes you feel better the next day when the sun is up and the sky is blue in your eyes. Sometimes you don’t. This too shall pass. Get out, get with other people that care about you. Go for a walk, run, jog. Move. Don’t sit and think. Breathe and keep breathing and think about other people besides yourself. You can move past this. Call someone and talk, talk and talk. Breathe it out to someone else. Keep on breathing. Please. You matter. I promise.

    5. Autumn
      April 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm

      You need help. You need professional help because without it, I’m sure this feeling will never go away. It sounds like you are severely depressed. But like Nan said above, YOU MATTER. All of those horrible thoughts you have about yourself are wrong! You’re worthy, you’re amazing, you’re a beautiful human being. How do I know? Because this is true of everyone. We all have our little quirks and our little “off moments”. But we all also have those wonderful things about us that are worth sharing. Sometimes we just don’t know what that is yet. And we can all sit here and tell you a million times over that you’re amazing and great and worth it, but you won’t believe it until you feel it. That is why you seriously need to seek help. Getting help and overcoming your problem takes more strength then committing suicide. Please listen to me. Your post is kinda old, so I’m not sure what good I’m doing. But I had to try. <3

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