I sit here, naked, wrapped in my covers and blood-stained sheets, sweet piano notes in my ears and once again, you fill my thoughts.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand you. I can’t know where you come from because I haven’t been there. I can’t see your heart because you never showed me. But beyond all of this pain, all of the fighting, all of the miles, there’s so much love.
I had a conversation with my father about you as he drove me back to school, across miles of boring road to move me in to my new apartment. I don’t remember how you came up but I guess it’s not hard to talk about something that’s always on your mind. He knew I hurt. My mother always said my pain is in my throat, she can always hear it in my voice. I told him a part of me would always love you, and we grew silent. He knew I was telling the truth.
I’ve had lovers since you tell me how much they hated you for what you did to me. I can say I’ve moved on, two years later, but have I really? I’ve never been the kind of person to take love seriously; I say I’ve been in love with every guy I’ve been serious with. I think love is something to be spread, not kept secret. But with you it was always different. You were the one thing I lived for. How many people would I have gone that distance for?
You say you love me now, you regret what you did.
I don’t believe you.
But one thing I do know, one thing that I desperately need you to know is that I will never, ever give up on you. I have given up hope that you would love me the way I love you, I have given up hope that you would do for me what I did for you. But I have not given up hope that you can redeem yourself from this life that is failing you, this life that is killing you. You are an amazing person, the light of my life. You can avoid me all you want out of shame but I know what you are and I know you can make it through this. Please know that I will always love you.
I was meant to save you.