I’m writing this letter to say the things I hide. I’ve wanted to tell you that I love you so many times in the past 2 years. But I know you would never tell me ” I love you too”. You would get scared, and you would turn all into joke and hurt me. I know you said “I love you” to Her. And I hate Her. And I know cuz I saw that e-mail in which you ordered those flowers for Valentines day. You say you hate Valentines day and you don’t know what to do on it. Well you knew back then when She was around. I know about that sex in the car thing you did. I know about you wanting to adopt Her daughter. I know you were kind, loving, gentle, thoughtful and wonderful then.
I know I got you emotionally damaged, grown up too much, I know you’re a different person now and that I shouldn’t be thinking about Her. She is not a part of your life nor she will ever be. But I think about Her and I can’t stop wondering why I can’t have a piece of what she had. And I don’t want you to know that.
And I don’t want you to know that I love you. Though I wonder will you ever say those words. And my intuition says “No”. And I don’t want you to know now that I will leave you after a while.
And I don’t want you to know that my intuition says I will go through my life without you.
I hope you will try harder and that you’ll become that loving, emotionally open person I need by my side. I hope I’ll give birth to your children, I hope you’ll make us a home somewhere. I don’t want you to know that I hate living in two countries. I don’t want you to know that I am afraid, and in a bad place right now. I shouldn’t be crying, but I am crying. And you won’t know.
I don’t want you to know all this, and I don’t want you to have this letter.