I can’t believe you’re almost a year old. I received a package the other day with photos of you. I can’t believe how big you are! You have the same light blonde hair, my blue eyes, my cheeks and my nose. I love how you look nothing like your father. You’re mostly me. I hated giving you away. It almost killed me. I wanted to keep you, so very badly.
I thought about taking on 3 jobs, anything that meant keeping you with me.
Your father didn’t want us. I thought if he knew he was having a son, it would change everything, but I was left standing alone like a fool.
I can’t believe for 7 months you were inside me, without me ever knowing. I’m glad you gave that hard hitting kick. When I saw you on the screen..I knew I was meant to be a mother. I guess, just not yours.
I wanted to be selfish and keep you. I wanted to raise you and teach you to be nothing like your father. I kept hoping for him to feel something for us even just you, but instead he found someone else.There came a point, when I didn’t care if he felt nothing for me. I just wanted him to love you, that’s all I ever wanted. After I gave you up, he proposed. He said he wanted to have “children of our own”. You ARE our child. I will never let him forget that. I will never be able to tell you what a piece of shit your father is. I will never be able to tell you how he left me alone to deal with this. I will never tell you that he was cheating on me. I will never be able to tell you that he didn’t want his family to know about you. I will never tell you, that he only told his mother about you, because he thought that would make me love him again. There are so many things I can never tell you, because I don’t want you to feel like you weren’t loved.
Me giving you up for adoption was the hardest, most self-less thing I have ever done. I wanted so much better for you. I wanted you to have a family 24/7. I wanted people to love you and be there for you, and not hide in shame. I wanted you so badly, but I knew if I kept you, you would eventually learn all of this. You are the best thing that as ever happened to me. You are my most proudest accomplishment. You and I share the same blood,the same genes, and I will always be your mother.
I love you Jax.