• Reflecting.

    by  • September 4, 2010 • Breaking Up, Confusion, Lost Love, Self-Esteem • 0 Comments

    It’s so hard to know what to say and what to think and how to progress. I want to be able to join in with everyone and declare the last two years a waste of time, and say that everything was all a giant mistake. But I can’t do that. And I keep looking back and wanting to go back to those days so badly, all the stuff we did together that no one else will understand and so I don’t even bother trying to explain it to them. I never even noticed how much control you had over me, how manipulative you’d been. I ended up completely under your control and, even know this is stupid, I sort of miss that. I wasn’t thinking for myself and you took care of me and my decisions and my plans and what I ate and what I wore and who I saw and how I acted. Thinking for myself is so hard now because I don’t even know who I am without you. And I will have to see you day in, day out until we finish school. And although I will pretend I don’t care, I will always be dressing for you and wondering if you approve of me. I’m too good for you. I think deep down I know this. And there’s new boys now. But will I be forever comparing them to you? Will I be able to have a boyfriend who doesn’t control everything I do? Will I be able to think for myself? Do I even know who I am anymore (cliche that that is)…

    I want to let the new person in. But I’m still trying to let you out.

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