• Once More

    by  • September 4, 2010 • Friends, Grief, Interested?, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    My Dearest Love,

    I inexplicably feel alone. I’ve pushed people out of my life recently because for me that’s the right thing to do. They were bad influences and I didn’t need to be around people like that but now I find myself searching for an outlet.

    Everyone has that relationship that they never quite get over. No matter what happens in between, when you’re together it’s like nothing has changed. Deep down, we both know we’re supposed to be together, but you just can’t seem to make it work. And for some reason when I think about it my mind doesn’t travel back to J or Brad or B even….but You. I feel like an idiot because it was years ago. So many years ago but do you ever wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t been afraid and said “Yes”?

    This might be my last chance, so maybe I should take it. I just hope you’re listening to everything I’m saying. I miss the drives, the car rides. Jamming to music so loud that the seats rumbled. I miss swinging on the hammock with you and they way you smile. The way you made me feel will never leave my mind. As much as I try. It wont. to be honest you completely destroyed me and yet i still wish to be in your life.

    Once upon a time I was writing about how happy you made me, How you made me whole, now I’m wondering where we went wrong and can we get that back, someday? I’m a different person than I was and I’m sure from our encounter one time recently you should know that. I want to tell you that even though what happened between us during the last encounter may have been awkward but you need to drop it and move on. I understand it made things awkward and you feel bad but I want you to know that it’s OK. Really. But I want to tell you I’m sick of the silent passing and looking at the ground when I walk cause I know when I look you in the eye all these feelings of missing you, my best friend, will come rushing back through my eyes and come out in the form of tears.

    I’ve pushed and hidden old feeling away and aside but I do miss you as my friend. Why can we act like adults and be friends regardless of the people around us? Nobody can go back and start a new beginning; yet anyone can start today and make a new ending. can you take me back to the person I used to be? back when you were there for me. I’m not asking you to be my trash can: someone I can just dump a ton of shit on and walk away. I wont even bother you with my problems but you and I both know we can’t stay apart. Because for 5 years now we’ve been keeping in contact just for a little bit before drifting again.

    You were my best friend we talked almost every day we had many inside jokes, and you tossed me aside and i just don’t understand what i did wrong other than turn you down. But am I wrong for wanting us to stay best friends while we could? Don’t pretend this is how it’s supposed to be. Even you know more was meant to happen with you and me. Am I wrong for wanting us to keep our relationship simple while i figured things out?

    You assume that I’m fine, but you don’t know how to read between the lines. I swing from moody and callous to giddy and humorous in naught point-one second. That’s not because I’m easy going or feeling guilty for being off-hand with you. It’s lack of confidence and self esteem. It’s trying to fit in and trying to hide the scars at the same time. Maybe I’m doing a good job; and that’s why you don’t see…

    It’s probably the wrong time to tell you this, but, well, maybe it’s the perfect time. I realize how incredibly confusing things are right now. I can’t even begin to explain anything. But I just want you to know that ff you ever need me, I’ll always be here for you… all you have to do is ask. I only wanted you to know that I always had the best of intentions.

    You know, I still look for you every time I drive. Looking for the tinted windows and listening for the booming sound of your bass. People say I have many blond moments, and I’ll admit, it’s true. But the dumbest one I’ve had, was saying no to someone like you.

    I can only hope you’ll read this and do us both a favor. Talk to me. Remind me why you hate me. Remind me why you wont let us be friends. Tell me why we’ve been at war for so long. Please.

    All I’m asking for is one day together. Just you and me, all alone. And if you can honestly tell me that you don’t miss me after that day, I’ll finally let you go.

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