I love you. So much. But now I know that you don’t love me at all. I’m nothing to you. I know that for sure now. I know i’ve said it many times before, but this time i’m serious. All this while, i’ve been hoping for you to prove me wrong. I keep trying to make you happy, so that hopefully one day, you’ll show me you love me back too. But I guess I was right all a long.
I knew for sure when I asked myself, ‘how do you know someone loves you?’ He tells you he loves you and means it. You do tell me you love me, but I know you don’t mean it the same way I do. I remember a while back, you compared us to Americans and how serious they are when they confess their love for each other. I know the words don’t mean anything to you, but when I say them to you, they mean everything to me. When I think of you or even hear your name, its my whole world. You’re the person I think about, cry about, dream about. The person I go to when i’m at my happiest, angriest or the moments when i’m most sad. I know i’m not that for you.
When you’re happy, i’m probably the last person you want to see. Even when you passed your probationship, I was so proud of you. After you hugged me, it seemed like you didn’t even care. And you went to go talk to other people. Every time you’re with him, you never take the time you have together for granted. When i’m with you, even in the bus, all I wanna do is just talk to you. Even in class. Sometimes, even if i’m sitting right next to you, you can ignore me for someone else. The entire class. That’s why sometimes i’d rather not sit next to you. Whenever I do, it just spoils my day because I just can’t help being disappointed. Even when you don’t talk to the person on you’re other side, you somehow manage to talk to her. Of all people, her. You’re willing to do anything for him. You don’t even know how much i’d do for you.
Sometimes, even if i’m tired, I stay up just for you. Even if it means falling asleep in front of you, at least you know i’m still there for you. You don’t even realise it. Even if I stay up, just so that we’d be able to talk by the time you’re done, it hurts knowing you just want to sleep right after. Knowing that the time you spend with me means nothing to you.
There was even once, we didn’t talk the whole day, and you told me you missed me. I was gullible enough to believe you that one time, seeing as I had been so happy the previous few days. I was so stupid. I waited for you, after all your tuition, I waited for you to finish your homework, on the phone, I waited for you to finish playing your game – just so that I could talk to you on the phone after a long day without you. And right after your game, you told me you wanted to sleep. That proved to me how much your words mean to you. It meant everything to me, but they were probably just words to you. And I was stupid enough to believe them again.
You don’t even want to go out with me, spend time with me. You can go sleep over another girl’s house, sleepover with your guys, but just to go out with me for a couple of hours? After cancelling on me so many times, I’ve given up on you. I don’t believe you’re excuses anymore. All I see is the truth now. He acts differently around you than with anyone else. You don’t. You act exactly the same. The way you talk to me, no matter how intimately, you’ve done with other girls. Except you don’t hold their hands or hug them. I know now that i’m just an object to you. Nothing more than an ‘it’ for when you’re bored. I just amuse you, that’s why you keep me. He just cares. You used to. When you got worried I didn’t pick up, when you got worried I didn’t reply, even though you sometimes over reacted, at least I knew you cared. Now, you don’t say anything. You probably don’t even notice anything. You sometimes don’t notice when i’m sad anymore. I even cried in front of you and you didn’t notice. I know now that you simply don’t care.
Tyen, you’re killing me on the inside. I’ve pretended not to care, taught myself to hide it till I get back home, so that you won’t see me sad. I’ve taught myself to expect the lowest, so that I don’t get disappointed. But I still end up crying, and I still end up getting disappointed. The only reason i’ve still been trying, is so that some day, you’d show me you love me. But I think i’m going to stop now. Because you’ve just proven to me that what I want, i’ll never be able to get. I’m not going to tell you anymore. I don’t want to force you to do things you don’t really mean. I’m never going to believe you when you tell me you love me or miss me. I’m never going to hope that you’ll ever love me someday.
I’m just going to wait until you get bored of me and decide to throw me away. I’m just going to keep you happy, cause that’s the only important thing here. From now on, this is all just going to be about your happiness. Cause I think mine’s all gone. Thank you for all the amazing memories. 🙂