• I can’t let go.

    by  • September 3, 2010 • Gratitude, Letting Go, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    DJ,

    It’s been 8 long months since you’ve been gone. Our relationship ended abruptly, without closure. If there’s anything I wanted to tell you, it’s that I couldn’t have survived the last two years without you next to me, and I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anybody in my lifetime. When I met you, the pain in your eyes matched mine. My connection to you was immediate. After recently having been sexually assaulted, it seemed that you were the only person I could let in, and the only person who could handle it. I was unruly, miserable, and broken. You were patient, kind, and supportive. Without saying much or anything at all, you told me everything I needed to hear. While your constant battle with drugs was another thing on our plate, and sometimes we screamed at each other as if the world was caving in on us, I would never trade any of our time together. Not for a million dollars.

    We cried together, and it was pure and cleansing, those late emotional nights were what got me through, as much as they burned like hell at the time. You and your mother were there to hold me when I got that phone call that my assaulter was out and free, confronted my terror with me and convinced me that it would be okay. When my mother was cheating on my father in my home and she then moved out, you showed up at my house at 6 o clock in the morning and told your stories to me until I was finally asleep. You walked with me in the middle of winter, and through the heat of summer. I’ve never been comfortable with another person the way I was with you. I feel as though I will never love or be loved like I was with you. You made me laugh, and cry, and scream, and even when I treated you unfairly or acted irrationally, you forgave me and swore you would always love me no matter what.

    You weren’t always honest, neither was I. From reading this, an outside person might believe we had a glorious relationship. As beautiful and unconditional our love for each other was, it was hideous. It was difficult and grueling. In the end, our strong love wasn’t enough. You reconnected with your drugs and fell in love with somebody else. I found somebody else, too. You’re gone now, long gone. You moved away and we broke up. You blocked me and when I went to see you to see how you were, you appeared to be incredibly strung out and a shell of the former boy I once loved. You kicked me out after having told me nothing, when really I just wanted to say everything I’m saying right here. You made our love look cheap, and told me you didn’t care if you ever saw me again. I hate to watch you die, DJ. I wish it didn’t have to be like this, and I hold on to everything we once had with a steel grip, because it was the most beautiful, tangible, consistent thing I’ve ever had. I may never see you again. You spoke of going far, far away. You refuse to speak to me, and I understand. If I had an opportunity to go back and thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you’ve done for me, everything you’ve shown me, and everything you’ve given to me, I would gladly take it. There is nothing I want more. He wants me to throw your letters away, your pictures, your clothes. I can’t. It would break my heart more than it already is to have to let go of the only things I have left of you and who you once were. Life was black and miserable for me throughout 2008-2009, but you and your love for me and your support was golden and lit up my life when I needed it the most. I don’t need you now, DJ. But I thank you endlessly for everything you’ve done, and I will love you till the day I die, whether you’ve forgotten our story or not. I am eternally grateful.

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