I grew up thinking everything my dad said about me was true. I was useless, a bitch and good for nothing. Constantly reminded that he wanted a boy and not a daughter. I can point at every scar on my face and tell you exactly how I got it and what I did wrong to “deserve it”. Yet, I still as a little girl in pigtails followed my father everywhere he went. I loved him without fail. He was my dad and I could make him love me by being the perfect daughter. Now, I’m 36, have my 2 beautiful daughters and it seems that I have brought old habits with me.
I guess some could say that my childhood taught me to be strong and confident. As a career woman with a very demanding career and a beautiful home – one would think I have it all. Oh how things can be deceptive.
Since I left home, it’s been an uphill battle. Male co-workers who think they can make lewd comments, who think that because I am female it gives them the right to assume that I will sleep with them. Male bosses who take full advantage of my intelligence by giving me projects that many of the men I work with couldn’t do but then in the same day – tell me that because I am a woman I will never get the promotion. They watch me watch away and I can hear their sexual comments and there is nothing I can do. I wish I can get every man I’ve ever worked for and their wives in a boardroom and play back tapes of their comments. Let their wives know just how much of a pig their man really is. But would they really do anything? Probably not. They like their lifestyle. They like their freedom because their husbands are working and out of their hair. It’s the woman at work with integrity, pride and morals who take the brunt of their machoism, their pig like behaviour and just suck it up because we don’t want to rock the boat. Sad part is – I’m an executive and good at what I do and yet even at this stage in my life and with the career that I have – I still feel powerless to stand up to these men who are so hurtful. I just keep smiling just like I did with my dad hoping against all hope that they will see me for the good person that I am.
Even sadder? I’ve chosen to be with a man who is very similar to my dad. He does not hit me but is controlling and obsessive compulsive. I fell in love with him because he seemed so perfect for me. A beautiful home, super clean, drove a beautiful car and treated me wonderfully. I realize now that no matter how hard I try – no matter how big my paycheque, no matter how good of a mom I am – nothing is ever good enough. I am “useless”, “demented” and “need help”. All because I ask to be treated with respect.
Why do I seek or need approval of these assholes? I wish I could tell you. Everyone tells me that I have it all. That they envy me. That they wish they had my confidence. Little do they know that I cry myself to sleep most nights and wonder if I deserve to be on this planet if I’m as bad as all these men say that I am. Little do they know that if I didn’t have the love of my beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent girls – I would happily pray that God come and get me so that I could just make all men happy and leave this planet. I thank God for my girls. I wish I knew how to raise them to never let men treat them this way.