• Faithfulness

    by  • September 2, 2010 • Cheating, Confession, Confusion, Guilt • 0 Comments

    Maybe this is just because I haven’t been single for any length of time since the beginning of 10th grade, but I don’t feel like we’re dating. I don’t feel like the dutiful, caring girlfriend that I try to be (without letting you know, of course). I feel like you’re a friend that I’m working really hard to stay in touch with, which is really out of character for me but I want us to work, so I am. I mean, there are days when I hit highs like tonight (which are great) and others when I land hard on lows (like last night), but I don’t think I feel okay truly sharing those with you when they’re happening. Part of that is not wanting to rain on your parade, but it’s also that I feel like I’m shamelessly (maybe a bit extreme for what I mean, I still have morals and standards) flirting with the guys I hang out with. They know you and that we’re dating, but I dunno, they flirt back (or sometimes start it). To me, what’s worse is that I don’t feel remorse for it until I almost tell you about stuff and then don’t – I feel like I’m hiding things from you; It’s nothing terrible, I’m not cheating, but I feel like If I wanted to, I could. That’s not something I’ve ever thought of before, and it kind of terrifies me that I’m thinking of it. I feel like by thinking of that, I’m, in some way, being unfaithful and, by not telling you stuff, just making it worse. I just don’t know how to handle how far away you are.

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