I never imagined I would fall in love with you. You aggravating, annoying man. You challenge me, make me think. You make me a better woman. Just sitting next to you makes me feel happy. When you hold me in your arms, I feel so safe. I haven’t felt that loved and protected since I was a child. I love everything about you. Your eyes, your smile, your sarcastic tongue, your twisted sense of humor.
I know you don’t love me back. Maybe you can’t, maybe you just won’t let yourself. I don’t know, and in the end it doesn’t really matter. It leaves me in the same place. Sitting here, thinking of you, dreaming of you, even cradling you in my arms knowing that you will leave. It pierces my heart. I am here, bleeding inside. And you can’t even see me. All you see is what you need. A willing ear, a friend to lean on for now, a warm body to penetrate. I could be anyone. I am just convenient.
And you will never know how that makes me feel. I’ll never tell you, because I think it would hurt you if you knew. The last thing I would want is for you to feel guilty. It’s not your fault I was silly enough to let myself become yours. I knew as I did it, that you would never return those feelings.
So I will give you all you need, as long as you need it. I will be here to catch you, to love you when you let me. And when you eventually leave, I won’t let you see my tears. I’ll send you on your way with a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, and tell you I am happy for you. And the weirdest part is, I will be happy for you, my love. I so want you to have everything good in this world, everything you could possibly want or need. I hope you find someone who you can love, who can make you happy and whole again.
I just wish that person was me.