Archive for August 31st, 2010

We’ve Loved and Lost, Do You Think We Can Love (Eachother) Again?

Dear Raja,

Because I’ve scoured this site looking for a letter from you with no success, I’ll write one for you; the first person who ever called me gorgeous. We met four years ago. We instantly became friends. You were hilarious, witty and unbelievably sexual. I was care-free, naive and unbelievably available. We were thrown into a bubble, of sorts, for all of July and I fell for you in your window seat as we watched thunderstorms, learned each other and laughed from the heart. I tried so hard not to kiss you, but in retrospect I wish that I had. That summer; those summer night walks by the pond and summer days under the trees; was something special. It was so clear that we were into each other, but it all became a muddled mess when your girlfriend showed up.

After practically living with you in your room and cuddling every night, we fell apart on our very last night together. I held out hope that you really would follow through with your promise. That promise that assured our future together. The day never came but I secretly still wait for it. Even though we’re both in relationships, there’s a small part of me that’s still curious about us. When I see you, when I’m around you, I feel it. I think you do too, but you’re afraid to admit/confront it.

I think I could make you happier than her. I know I could love you hard. I wish that someday I’ll have the courage to tell you all this to your face. I want you to know me again. I want to cuddle again.

Take a chance with me. Drop everything and kiss me on the mouth. After all, it was you who said that the world needs more free spirits.

Love,
Spanky

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Confession, Friends, Interested?, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You

 

Simply put, I love you

Well I guess that says it. I’ll never tell you because our “relationship” is already complicated enough, with you at school and me and my walls. The 90 foot walls that I built around every area of my life. It’s not your fault though, if there was one person I would let behind them it would be you.

However, that wasn’t the case one month ago when I said our fling was getting too “serious.” Even one month ago not a soul was allowed behind those walls. Now I want you to try to get behind them, to keep on trying. There is nothing like you and your straw hair and your big soft body that I could just fall into whenever.

Now there are beautiful cheerleaders surrounding your new dorm room at your new home thats not back here with me. Its kind of funny. I told my friend today. I don’t want to tell you how I feel because I know you will want to do what will make me happy but I want you to do what will make you happy. If I say “Well, you see, the truth is, I love you” you will say “well you see, the truth is, I love you too.” Because you are a good, incredible guy who never wants to see me hurt again. But, you loving me back or us openly loving each other is not the best idea right now because I don’t want to limit you at all.

So go kiss the cheerleader down the hall, she probably has bigger boobs anyway.

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1 comment. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Acceptance, Letting Go, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Yearning for You

 

Shuffling.

So I hear that you shuffled around waiting for me. Waiting for me to show up and say goodbye. To say goodbye to you, my friends, and everyone. To leave forever from that place. But I would see you after the summer, at the new place. Where we could maybe still be. But what you don’t know Larkin, is that I wrote a letter. I wrote a letter to you, containing all my feelings for you. Everything I said was there. It burned in my pocket, a lot of people read it. And edited it, and helped it out. But in the end, I deleted all they wrote and made it mine again. Because really, I just want you to love me the way I love you. I wanted to give that letter to you, but I was afraid of how you would react. I don’t know why I was so fucking stupid, I was going to be gone for a whole month. Another country, away from everyone. But I was a stupid fuck. I should’ve given it to you, but didn’t. But I can’t change the past, but I can control my future. So Larkin, I want something more with you. I do, but I don’t know how you feel. So please, show me, tell me, kiss me, hold me. Because I’ve never felt this way, and I can never forget you. I don’t want you to be a “what-if” I want you to be a love.

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Hope, Interested?, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You

 

a year older and wiser :)

this time last year, you had just left from school and i was thinking about you every day.

this time this year, I don’t give a hoot. I wasted waaay too much of my time on you, but it feels immensely great to be able to admit that to myself. hello, YOU were the scaredy cat. YOU screwed up. and it sucked that I was the one getting hurt, but I’ve been done with that for a while. and it sucks that I’ve lost you as a friend, cause you were a good friend, when you weren’t being such a SHAMELESS flirt at 3 in the morning. I’m sorry to burst your bubble or whatever, but you don’t talk to someone who’s just a “friend” in that manner. but whatever, your loss.

and it’s totally awesome being prettier than your new girlfriend.

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Friends, Letting Go, Lost Love

 

I miss you more than you’ll ever know.

M,

I’m not sure if I will ever have the courage to give you this letter, or allow you to read it. Maybe one day, I will work up the strength to. The point of this letter, is to share with you what I’m feeling and have been feeling. I don’t think you even understand the half of it. If I ever do let you read this, it’s not meant to be a way of making you come back to me. The purpose of showing you would be to let loose what I’ve been holding in for the past 6 months with the small hope that I could have the power to change your mind. It’s honestly too much for me to carry anymore. I’m afraid if I don’t let you know, I may loose you. I’m also afraid if I ever end up showing this to you, I may scare you away. But at this point, I don’t know what else to do. This seems like my last sign of hope. So here it goes.

You truly are an amazing guy. I don’t know if you know that. I have liked you for about a year and a half now. Yup, that’s a long time. And I really only had you for 7 months of that. The other time has been me waiting and hoping for a miracle of some sort. You probably think I’m obsessed with you or something, and that’s the last thing I want you to think. When I recently told you that I liked you again. I lied. I don’t just kinda sorta have feelings for you again. I STILL have strong feelings for you. And they have been haunting me for the 6 months since we have ended our relationship. When I liked Jake for a while there, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And how badly I just wanted to be back with you. When you would talk to me, the feelings inside of me would come bursting back up. I did like Jake, but not nearly as much as I continued to like you. Maybe he was my way of trying my best to push the past behind me, and move on. But it didn’t work for me. You remained in my head and as hard as I tried I couldn’t get you out of it.

(more…)

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1 comment. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Friends, Hope, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You

 

yeah.

i wish i could tell you how i really felt..but i can’t. it sucks a lot. but i guess this is how it’s going to be until we start talking again. i hate not being able to talk to you about things, and not being with you at all times. i really hope we start talking again. i need you. i miss you. a lot. please come back.

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Frustration, Grief, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You

 

Confession

I look forward to the days you come over more than I probably should, probably more than half of how much you look forward to it. I’m sure if you were reading this right now, sitting next to me with your fingers laced with mine as you often tend to do, you would vehemently disagree. You would reassure me that there’s a place for me in your heart, that I am special, that I am always the one who is there for you when no one else was, is, or will be.

However, it falls on me to reassure YOU sometimes, when you look at me with those blue eyes of yours and ask me if I’m ok. Laying in bed, kissing each other softly, your hands wandering while the only purpose for mine is to stop yours when they go too far; how could I not be ok? Usually a “Yes, I’m ok” does the trick. But you always give me that look, the look that makes me wonder just how much you take my words at face value. You have never challenged my words, but I can see in your eyes that you doubt them.

Rightly so, too. How could you NOT doubt them? How could you not be aware that my feelings for your tend to eat me up inside? There’s just no way for you not to know that. There’s no way you can’t know that I would do ANYTHING to have a chance at the joy of calling you mine, because I have always been yours, whether you claim me or not.

(more…)

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Confession, Friends, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You

 

Married

Whilst the piece of paper doesn’t make THAT much difference (I know I have been married before) and the ring is nice, but not essential.

I once again long to be someone’s wife. To know that, that person is committed to you enough to want to spend the rest of their life with you.

You can have commitment without the title, I understand that, but it’s the underlying notion that drives a person to be married to another which I long for again.

I hope I find that person.

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Love - Pure and Simple, Marriage, Yearning

 

the slow death

I spent $12,000 on a degree I’m wasting, because I’m too entrenched in mediocrity to do something about it. I’d like to say I’m afraid of trying and failing, but I’ve buried everything so deep that I’ve lost the ability to feel it any more.

It’s your fault mother. You systematically find ways to beat me down as you self destruct. Bravo. Now nobody can be happy. You’ve driven me to the point where I’ve shut everything down to stop feeling the bullshit you pull, and I’ve lost my drive. Are you happy? Probably not. This will be my fault as well. But do you know what? I don’t care. One day I’ll be out of here, and then I’ll be able to live again. I just hope whatever is left inside isn’t dead by the time that day comes. And just so you know, other people have noticed, your mask is slipping, so next time you lunge with that verbal knife, stop, have a look around, because they finally see the crazy bitch you are.

Oh how I hope it’s not genetic – I know what happened with your mother. How do you not see the pattern? Why? Just, why.

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Anger, Betrayal, Family Stuff, Knock it Off, Loneliness, Lost Love, Parents

 

Truth

I never imagined I would fall in love with you. You aggravating, annoying man. You challenge me, make me think. You make me a better woman. Just sitting next to you makes me feel happy. When you hold me in your arms, I feel so safe. I haven’t felt that loved and protected since I was a child. I love everything about you. Your eyes, your smile, your sarcastic tongue, your twisted sense of humor.

I know you don’t love me back. Maybe you can’t, maybe you just won’t let yourself. I don’t know, and in the end it doesn’t really matter. It leaves me in the same place. Sitting here, thinking of you, dreaming of you, even cradling you in my arms knowing that you will leave. It pierces my heart. I am here, bleeding inside. And you can’t even see me. All you see is what you need. A willing ear, a friend to lean on for now, a warm body to penetrate. I could be anyone. I am just convenient.

And you will never know how that makes me feel. I’ll never tell you, because I think it would hurt you if you knew. The last thing I would want is for you to feel guilty. It’s not your fault I was silly enough to let myself become yours. I knew as I did it, that you would never return those feelings.

So I will give you all you need, as long as you need it. I will be here to catch you, to love you when you let me. And when you eventually leave, I won’t let you see my tears. I’ll send you on your way with a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, and tell you I am happy for you. And the weirdest part is, I will be happy for you, my love. I so want you to have everything good in this world, everything you could possibly want or need. I hope you find someone who you can love, who can make you happy and whole again.

I just wish that person was me.

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No comments yet. Click here to comment. | Posted in: Grief, Heartbreak, Hope, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You

 


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