Why is it that it’s you? Why do you have to be the one girl that’s wandered in and lit a ember in my soul that is glowing cherry-red in an otherwise dreary, repetitive existence. Why do you have to be married? Why do you have that smile, that laugh, that concern for others, that care in all you do? Who are you to walk in and turn me upside down? Why do you have to be married?
I’ve never done this before. I thought I’d never ever ever do anything like it. And now that it is happening around me, I want more. I want something to change, you to be able to talk anytime, spend the night, not jump at the sight of a stranger or sound of a car door. These are the wrong concerns to have… I want concerns like how can I make you happier, how can I surprise you tomorrow, how am I so excited every time we talk or kiss or touch? Life is too short to be miserable for even a day, and you are too short to be miserable for a moment. I have no idea how you got in. No one gets in. The vault is a vault for a reason. But water dripping onto stone will one day make an impression and a pool of water. And, terrifyingly, if that pool one day dries up, it leaves an empty space. With some, that space may become salt-crusted reminder of a past moment, hour, day, or lifetime of heartfelt joy. That reminder may hurt in the most guttural, basic, intense way possible. I have enough of this empty space- I want to start filling it.
Why do you have to be married? Why couldn’t you be single, adorable, sweet, selfless, and tiny just for me to find and sweep off her feet? Why do you have to be married?
I feel horrible. I feel torn. This isn’t fair to any of us. But I wouldn’t lose or trade it for anything. So how do I move forward? With you, knowing that likely nothing will change? Without you, and with a large emptiness to fill? Or in limbo, wondering what will come that day and the next.
Why do you have to be married?