• my heart, typed

    by  • August 29, 2010 • Acceptance, Grief, Lost Love, Miss You, The Ex • 1 Comment

    I heard a song on the radio at work today. It immediately reminded me of you. At first, it felt like I was in a dream. I was warmed by the memory. The Song putting me back in that blissful moment. After a few seconds, I remembered the now, and it turned to a nightmare. I was brought back to the cold, harsh reality.

    You will not read this. I know that for a fact. I wish I could tell you all this, but I know you wouldn’t listen. I don’t blame you. I really don’t. If the roles were switched, I would not listen. I would turn a cold, scornful shoulder to your pleading. If the roles were reversed, you would deserve it. As is stands now, I asked for this, so I got it.

    Every thought of you Reminds me of what we were. What I ended. Oddly, I still think ending it was the right thing to do. Maybe that’s just my pride talking. Maybe that’s me just trying to save face. I was in pain. I was hoping for a better, brighter tomorrow that never came. Every time I reached out, It seemed my hands were slapped back.

    I miss you. I think about you almost every night. I wish I didn’t. The thoughts drive me mad. They keep me up at night. I don’t know what is worse: the fact that I lost you, or the fact that it is my fault. Yes, we had our problems, but they were nothing we couldn’t handle. I just couldn’t handle that one problem. That one little problem. It should have been nothing, but it destroyed me. It made me feel (Quite ironically) how I feel right now.

    I don’t know why I am writing this. I don’t really want anyone to read this, but I am tired of keeping it in. I am tired of putting up a front. I’m tired of my silence. I’m tired. Maybe if I share my problems, someone will be able to see some sanity in the madness. Maybe someone can decipher this Code that’s been hacking my brain. my will. my happiness.

    I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could just drop what I felt. what I may still feel. I wish I could just move on. I thought with time, I would learn to move on. I still feel the way I did before my mistake. I wish I could just talk to you. I wish I could just end this silence…. But here I am, rambling on a website i randomly found.

    One Response to my heart, typed

    1. This wound never heals
      August 30, 2010 at 4:54 am

      Every time I read a letter like this, I imagine it’s from you. Despite my best efforts to put the past in the past and move on, I still feel the same way I felt the first moment I realized I love you, but without that sense of hope I once possessed. I am always glad when I see that you appear to be doing well, but inside I always secretly hope you feel like this, only because the thought fans the infinitesimal chance that one day, our lives could come together again. My days are blank, and my nights hellish only because the morning comes and you were only there in my dreams. I will always love you, no matter what I tell you or anyone else. Having to lie about it to myself and everyone else hurts, but you know what they say about faking it til you make it. Maybe one day it’ll be true. I don’t truly know if I want that day to come or not. It’s freeing to talk to you this way, and I feel better for it. Thank you.

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