• Lament for the L word

    by  • August 29, 2010 • Hope, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning • 0 Comments

    NB,

    I told you that I loved you, and I meant it. But I was drunk and you were drunk so I pretended it didn’t matter, that you didn’t remember, and that was the reason you didn’t return the emotion. Then I said it again. And again. And finally you told me you weren’t ready for the “L” word, but that you cared for me and you were fond of me. You told me I was the last thing you thought about at night, the first in the morning. We’ve spent countless nights together, curled up in each other’s arms, even before it was “official”. I know this is your first real relationship in almost a decade. I understand that. So I pretended it didn’t matter that you didn’t love me back.

    But it did matter, and every time we did something together, all I could think was “this is great… but he doesn’t love me.” and it made me so sad. I cried. And cried.

    So I did what any girl would, I asked my best friend for advice. She told me to break up with you, over and over, so often that I started to believe that it was the right course. So I tearfully asked you if this was really going to work. And you told me that I wanted too much from you.

    But, I love you. So I told you a half-truth about what I wanted, and I told you that I just wanted to go back to a few months ago, when we were just happy and having fun together.

    For the most part, I told you the truth. But every day we spend together, I fall for you a little more. I have these fantasies of your future proposal. The house we build together. Our kids. The family we’ll grow. The dog we’ll have, and the yard it will play in. I know I’m being silly. I know I’m being girlish. But I can’t help myself, because I’m so Goddamned in love with you I don’t know which way is up anymore. I know you want the same things…because we imagine together sometimes.

    So please, for my sake, sort your feelings out quickly. I don’t know how much more my heart can take. I don’t know how long is too long anymore, before it becomes apparent that you’re just not going to feel the same way for me.

    Love,
    MB

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