• If I could hate you, I would

    by  • August 29, 2010 • Friends, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I want to hate you so much.

    I wish I wasn’t your friend. I wish I didn’t know you.

    Because some days you are the reason I can smile as brightly as I can. Some days you’re all I think about. Some days you are everything I want.

    Then you explain to all our friends how unattractive you find me. How you don’t even acknowledge I’m female most of the time. I’m just one of the guys.

    You talk about your gorgeous girlfriend, who I can’t even hate because she really is that awesome.

    It’s not that you ever lead me on to believe there was something more. You never said anything, never made a move on me.

    but I always wanted you to. I was such an idiot, convincing myself that maybe… just maybe, it wasn’t completely one sided.

    It is. You made that very clear last night. What’s sad is you don’t even realize how harshly you destroyed all my illusions.

    But can you really blame me for falling for you?

    When we’re in a group of friends, I’m always you’re center of you focus. You’re always making me laugh. When we’re alone you’re voice softens and our conversations stray from the silly to the more sincere and revealing.

    Those I could live with, but there’s two things you do that just kill me. You touch me. You’re always playfully touching me and harassing me, and while I know that there isn’t any meaning behind I crave it. I want you to touch me, that when you do, no matter how innocent, it’s simply fueling the fire.

    The other is when I’m anything, but happy…

    You ALWAYS notice. Not matter how I try to hide it. You always notice when I’m not happy. You always ask. You always cheer me up.

    You act like you care whether or not I’m happy.

    I suppose it’s not like you don’t. We’re friends, but I can’t help feeling special when you do.

    You didn’t do anything wrong. I know you didn’t do anything wrong.

    I’m the idiot here, but…

    I want to hate you so much. It’s so hard to handle being your friend when I want to be more. It’d be so much easier if you didn’t like me at all. If you were mean and rude…

    If I could hate you, I would…

    If I could hate you, I would…

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