I sit here and think of you. That’s how I know I’m making the right decision. You’ve lost so much. So many chances – you gave them up. I wish I knew how it would have worked out for you. Would you have been happy? Would your life have straightened out? Would it have got worse before it got better?
All these questions keeps floating around in my head and I’m thankful to say – they keep me going.
All this time you’ve lost – all I can think is, what would I miss? What would happen?
I may hate everything that is happening to me right now, but because of you, I wonder – what if it changed? What if it got better? Are you cheering me on? Hopeful for me? Pushing me in the right direction? Or do you even know that I’m calling out to you? I just wish I could see how your life would have turned out. Just so I can see what I have to look forward to. Just so I know that there’s more.
But honestly, it just seems that everything has gone downhill since you left.
I have to remind myself everyday exactly what it is that I’m holding onto and honestly, it’s loosing it’s significance. Why should I hold on for other’s when it seems that no one is holding onto me? I’m just asking for some insight because I’m severely lost right now. I can’t seem to find my way out of this hole. And everything just seems so dark. Is this how you felt? Overwhelmed? Forgotten? Alone? Confused? Angry? Hopeless? A bit insane? And just wishing – praying – that someone would say all the right things and remind you what you’re fighting for?
Because it all seems like such a lost cause. What is worth fighting for anymore? When it seems that no one will fight for me? Hey – maybe I’m being melodramatic, but I thought you were being melodramatic and look where you are now. I thought you would calm down and realize that you were upset over something silly and it would only take a bit of time to get over it. Would that time have actually changed anything? WOuld things have really been different? Cause I’m staring back at almost 3 years of constant disappointment and I can’t help wondering when I’ll finally catch a break.
When is it supposed to change? Hell – would we even be friends right now? With my luck – I don’t even know. But I’d like to think we would be. That way I can at least pretend there is someone.
Gah… I sound awful, don’t I? I just need a little more foundation because mine has crumbled away, again. I’m tired of fighting though. I’m tired of being my only advocate. My only support.. I’ll lend myself out to others and help as much as I can, but I always feel like I’m getting half-ass help from others. And when I actually reach out to people? I tend to be shot down.
Tell me it will change. Tell me so I don’t follow you. This is my place. But I have no urge to hold on. I’m slipping and I’m scared. One day I’m gonna fall. One day I’m going to find that final strength for my ultimate weakness. Please give me more strength and a reason – a reason would be nice.
What would you say to me if you had the chance? Just… what would you say?