• I wish you would read this but then again I don’t

    by  • August 29, 2010 • Breaking Up, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Regret, Yearning for You • 2 Comments

    Dear You,

    It’s been nearly three months and I cried about you yesterday and today. I can’t differentiate or tell whether it’s because I miss what we had or because I miss you. You, the first person I ever loved, the first person I trusted unconditionally and the first person I ever gave myself to.

    You were this amazing light that forced its way into my life, ignoring my attempts to keep you away. Eventually I gave you a chance and you made me happier than I had ever been before. No matter what was wrong in my life, what I was worried about, what made me feel bad, you were there. I knew you were there, just for me and only me. You told me you loved me and I laughed in your face. I was so shocked and so taken aback I didn’t know what to do or say. And then I did, because I knew I loved you too. You said you loved being with me because I was the first person you truly cared about. It was always you who as the most affectionate in the beginning and then gradually I was head over heels for you. Just us, you and I, just us two.

    I’ll never forget that moment when you turned and looked at me and said “This is so hard”. I had no idea what you were talking about. You then just looked at me and said we had to talk. Instantly I knew. I felt the blood just drain from my face and my entire body go numb. I knew and yet I couldn’t believe it. It was like a horrible horrible dream. You didn’t even say it..I did. Through misted eyes and with ragged breath I asked “Are you breaking up with me?” and all you did was just nod. You nodded and looked at me with the saddest look in your eyes. I ran and left. I couldn’t handle it. But then I remembered how we had been together the night before and how you put me in a cab and shouted after me “I love you”. You had lied and I was angry but I still loved you. And god I thought some part of you still loved me.

    Even the next day we sat together, held each other and cried under a blanket. I couldn’t accept that if you were so upset and hurt that you still wanted to do this.

    You told me that it was hard because we were each others first loves and first times. You told me it would get better. You told me it was so hard because you liked me so much and hated to see me so upset. I told you that no matter what you did, I would never hate you and that I would always love you.

    Your friends and family say you made a huge mistake and disagree with what you did. Breaking up out of nowhere a day before you left to go away. You thought it would be better to have an excuse such as that..I though it was stupid and now I just find it insulting. You’re off with some girl now and shes fake with bleached hair and trowelled on make up..you used to say that I was so pretty naturally and even pointed out how people stared at me. I didn’t care what people thought of you..cos all that mattered was that you were mine. On our first date we spoke about having kids (not together but just about names) and to tell the truth I daydreamed about what we could and hopefully would have in the future.

    People say that you never know what will happen in the future and that we may get back together, but I don’t know. There will have been other people since then and even now I hate that idea. That’s telling I think..it probably means I’m not over you if the thought of you with someone else still makes me feel horrible. Popular opinions are telling me that being single is great fun etc etc but honestly, for me, fun is fleeting whereas happiness rooted in a deep comfort with someone else is pure bliss. So I cried solidly for a month after you. I isolated myself and dreaded being awake, being asleep and waking up. I either dreamt that we were still together and then gradually woke up to the awful realisation about what had happened, or dreamt that I would see you with someone else.

    When I leave the house I always put effort in now. I can’t abide the thought that you’ll see me as you used to..make up free and relaxed. That time has gone now and I can’t handle it. I need to be this amazing person that makes you feel terrible and regret what you did. Since when was just being myself not good enough for you? And what does she have that I don’t? Shes trampy and easy and they’re not even my words but those of people who actually know her. Some say you got scared. An old teacher of mine told me that hey you may have been the one but it just wanted the right time, you were too young.

    I’ve too much to say and not enough energy. The painting you made me hangs in my room. It’s probably the most thoughtful and beautiful present Ive ever received. I want to believe that you truly loved me, and people say you did, that you were madly in love with me. But after what’s happened and the person that i see you now are, I honestly don’t know.

    And the one person I want to talk about it with and the only person who can answer all my questions is you. But we cant talk and you wont answer.

    I miss you. I miss us.

    2 Responses to I wish you would read this but then again I don’t

    1. Tiffany
      August 29, 2010 at 4:53 pm

      It will get better, I promise. It takes time, but it will heal. Do not be ashamed to let yourself mourn. It hurts deeper than anything you’ve felt. You don’t feel whole, and you don’t know how to make it better. And I say, mourn. Cry as much as you need to. Continue to write letters. Keep a journal. Let your heart bleed it out. Then one day, you will do things differently. Go out, enjoy a good time in a good girl way, and start to realize that even though you can’t fully see it, there is a point to all of it, and he is not the one for you. At least not right now. And don’t focus on the “what if’s”. Focus on the present.

      I went through the same thing. I felt like my insides had been ripped out. I didn’t have anything left to me. I was empty. But I dealt with it in a not so good way. Drugs, alcohol, sex. I lost myself in the hurt. Trying to mend my wounds instead of just dealing with the pain.

      Don’t do that to yourself. You are better than that. 🙂

    2. Quester
      August 29, 2010 at 9:12 pm

      Brings me back a year or two – I guess we all can relate to this feeling. It gets better in time and old loves gets replaced with newfound affections.

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