• What happened?

    by  • August 28, 2010 • Breaking Up, Grief, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Dear A, mon petit chou,

    I never thought I could miss someone so much. I’ve never felt more sick in my life. I didn’t think a heart could physically hurt just from emotion. I cried for a couple hours that day, it’s sad, but true. You said I was everything you wanted, and that our relationship was everything you wanted. Then you said you weren’t ready for the kind of relationship I was and that you’d been having doubts for a while. Why did you never tell me? You know I’d have done anything for you, anything. I’d fallen hard for you, and it seems like you didn’t care.

    We’d been friends for nearly 8 years before we started dating, and then after only 3 months, everything is ruined. We don’t talk anymore, I don’t know anything about your life now: what you’re doing, how you’re feeling, what your plans are. I miss it. I miss you. I wish I knew what happened to us. We could have been so much more but I don’t think you wanted to try. I can’t believe after 5 months I still feel this way. I wish I didn’t, I want to feel better, but I just don’t know what to do. I feel so pathetic for so many reasons…

    Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you, missed you, wanted to be with you again. At one point, I was doing ok, beginning to realize that things weren’t meant to be, but then the dreams started. I dreamed that you were lying next to me, I could see and feel you, clear as day. I could even smell the shampoo in your hair. Then I’d wake up…alone…with nothing but the cold side of the bed next to me. I’ve never felt such a horrible feeling in my life: the absolute despair of going from feeling perfect, to feeling hopeless. All I could do was cry…

    I’m not much of a softy, but good God I have never cried so much in my life. I just wish we could start things up again. Wish I could start over, take things more slowly, not scare you away. I wish you would have told me what you were feeling before you made your mind up. Please, tell me, what am I supposed to do now? I can’t control my dreams, all they do is bring everything back for me. Do you ever miss me, think about me, like I miss and think about you?

    All I ever wanted is for you to be happy, I told myself that even if it was without me, it’d be ok, but it’s not. I’m dying here. These past months have been hell for me, nights lying awake, trying not to think about you, then dreaming about you anyway. I deprive myself of sleep these days so that I’m tired enough that I don’t dream anymore, cause I can’t live with that feeling of emptiness every fucking morning. I want you to be happy, but God do I want you to be happy with me. Wish I knew what to do…

    I can’t take back what happened, but I vow to get things working again. I just can’t let everything die for us. We’ve been through so much, too much together to let this all end and never talk to each other again. For right now, just know you will always have a piece of my heart and I hope someday you’ll want the rest.

    With love,
    E

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