• reciprocated feelings…

    by  • August 28, 2010 • Confusion, Fear, Frustration, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I hate saying goodbye to you. The initial distance sucks, but this “little bit extra” with minimal communication is destroying me. Everyday, I’m surrounded by things that remind me of you, at work and at home. It breaks my heart feeling like I don’t mean as much to you as you mean to me. You’re so emotionally unavailable it makes me wonder if we should even be in a relationship. It kills me to think that, but I don’t want to be the girl you settle for because the other two just didn’t work out.

    I want to be the one you love, the one you want to marry, the one you want to spend your life with… not the one you settled for. You’re so far away and you say getting letters/packages from me is the highlight of your day. You say you miss me. You says it’s good to see me when i can use a webcam. But it feels so empty. Your letters say so little. Your words even less. Maybe I’m the one that’s empty rendering me unable to accept these things. But I feel like I’m putting my whole heart into you and I the only emotion I get from you is pity. I hate it and I hate feeling like that. I couldn’t even tell you that I miss you too when you told me you miss me. I couldn’t even muster enough to say bye in our *letters* because I was afraid that you didn’t mean it. I was honest when I told you that I’m afraid that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you. And then suddenly it was “that time again.” I hate it.

    I’m surrounded by things that remind me of you. I send you things to remind you of me, but none of it means anything because your words are empty. My heart is growing cold and I’m going to start pushing you away again…like I always do. This time it might actually kill me, but I don’t want to waste time loving someone that doesn’t love me.

    You’re an amazing and wonderful person that I don’t deserve in my life. This is painfully evident by the lack of reciprocated feelings. “You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you’ll be in my heart.” ~unknown

    *cries*

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