We met about 3 years ago. Not in person, only via email to work together in business. Nothing ever eventuated. Circumstances changed and we met in person for business purposes. You sold me a laptop that didnt have something I specifically asked for. You couldnt believe it and had to come over to check. Yes, I was right. Then you forgot to give me a CD and had to come over a 2nd time in 2 days. Feeling bad because now you were working on the laptop for hours now, I asked if you wanted to stay for dinner. You accepted. We were just friends.
Neithe of us was looking for a relationship. I was happily single, you barely out of the house that you shared with your ex wife. Over the coming days and weeks we caught up more often, just because it was nice to be able to speak to someone on the same mental level.
We chat one day about going to the motor bike races in the coming months. Barely knowing each other, we decide that would be fantastic fun and make the arrangements. In the meantime, you move out on your own (I specifically told you I was not going to go out or see anyone more than a friend until you were single and living on your own).
It grows slowly between us. Fairly quickly I realise that this is a very special relationship. Never before have I experienced such a relationship of honesty, openness in communication where we could discuss any topic without the fear of repercussion, love on such a deep level, fantastic sex (or should I say sharing of our soul when we made love), always touching and encouraging each other. I was your ‘honey bear’, you were my ‘sexy man’.
We go to the motorbike races and spend a week together in a motorhome travelling around. You later say to me how amazing that experience was that we never once fought or disagreed, we just respected each other. You’ve never experienced that before. I was so easy and fantastic (your words).
You were talking about our future, when we grow older together, where we want to live, when we should move in together. Almost ever time we were together, you told me how much you love spending time with me, how great I make you feel, how happy and relaxed you are around me, how you love that I love your children and that you’ve never been in a relationship that is so easy and compatible. I feel the same.
Then your subconscious kicks in. Telling you that this is not the pattern you are used to. Something MUST go wrong, when will it happen? What will it be? Then out of the blue, you break up with me.
I am devasted, my heart feels torn out of my body. To make matters worse, your timing is impeccable, you tell me this the day before I fly interstate to be with my mother in hospital who is close to dying. I end up in emergency because I havent eaten for days. I come back home and we keep talking (but we aren’t together) you said you realised what a mistake you had made and were devastated that you nearly lost me.
We get back together because you assure me you now know what you want. You do love me, you do want a future with me, you want me by your side. I get back together with you because I never stopped loving you. I love you on such a deep spiritual level, it’s hard to put into words. I feel electric when I’m near you and at the same time, I have an amazingly calm feeling come over me. We can sit in silence just enjoying each other’s presence or we can chat for hours about everything and anything. We make each other laugh. You love that I laugh alot and see humour and positive in many situations.
5 months later the same thing happens, you break up with me out of the blue. I again am devastated but I can see it’s your subconscious pattern kicking in. You just are not strong enough yet to set the pattern you want to live by, not by the pattern you are used to. You tell me you know you want to live by the pattern we have set in our relationship, not by the patterns that you have been used to. You have work to do on yourself. Or is it that you just aren’t that into me??
Almost every day I cry when I think how much I miss your touch, you smile, the way your eyes twinkle when you see me and look at me across a room. How affectionate we were. There is a bond, it’s not my imagination. We couldn’t have ever predicted or organised the way it all started. We both believe how we came together was by divine intervention. You have things you MUST work through. I find myself going between trying to forget about you, giving myself time to grieve over this relationship, get strong and go out and find someone who wants to commit to me and TRYING to do all of that but really waiting to see if you want to come back to me. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of waiting and being so understanding and I’m tired of wanting you back. I just want you back when you have sorted this stuff out.
What do I do???
Your honey bear
Do I put myself back together and give myself time to grief but then find someone else? I can’t imagine my life or future with anyone else. I have never had such an amazing relationship with anyone like that before. Or do I look for someone to replace you? I know that I will be comparing them against you (if I find someone else).
I don’t know what to do. Do I get strong, fill myself with love again and IF you are ready in time to come and IF you want to be with me, get back together with you? Do I leave it in the hands of the universe and God to guide me to do what I need to do and be with who I need to be (hopefully that person is you)