We’ve only started talking this past summer, and I honestly don’t regret any of it. What I do regret, is developing feelings for you. I knew from the beginning that I shouldn’t, and I told myself I wouldn’t. 11 people have pointed out that we flirt, so why do we continue it? You couldn’t possibly want me, you’ve been with her for 16 months. You don’t want me and I know it, but something inside of me can’t help but be jealous when you talk about her. You only see her because of school… You could see me as much as you wanted, and you know it. You say the word and I’m there. You seem so excited when I tell you that someone was all over me… when what I really want is for you to… well, thats the thing, you can’t do anything. I think that’s what hurts the most.
You’ve sat there and told me that you saved her life once. You don’t know how many times you’ve saved mine. I love being with you, and spending all day with you. I love webcamming with you until we both pass out and I get to wake up in the morning with you still on my screen, fast asleep. I love your dumb, empty threats to tickle me til I turn blue when we both know you won’t, but it’s an excuse for you to touch me. I wanted you to kiss me on so many occasions, but I know that you never will. I know that we can never be together. You love her, not me. But I can’t help but to love you anyway. I’ve been suppressing it for so long, this is the first time that I have openly admitted it to anyone or anything.
I am angry at myself for letting this happen, for letting my feelings go this far; but i am proud of myself for not acting on what my mind keeps telling me to do. “Kiss him, Kiss him, Kiss him” Thats all I think about when I’m with you, and if I ever did, I’m sure the result of it would be cataclysmic. I don’t know what to do with myself.
You drive me crazyy.