My first true love David,
If you are reading this, it means I had enough guts to walk to your mailbox and put this in there. It means I don’t hold a grudge to you anymore. It means I’ve finally understood every word you said to me on that night. It means I am finally ready to experience us on a new level, wether its better or worse, I am ready.
Recently, a really good friend of mine said something to me. He said, ” I love you”. I could not respond at first, I was still crying over you. He was there to pick up the pieces when you broke me. Now, beyond popular belief, I do not like him back. We talk, me and him talk like me and you used to. We stay up late at night talking about, well, almost everything. Its strange, because as we keep talking, and he tries to help me get back together; he reminds me of myself. He is me in a you me sense, and every word you spoke to me that night, well I can now understand everything behind those words.
He liked me for a while, sound farmiliar? Yes, just like how I liked you for a while. He waited, just like how I waited, but he didn’t wait as long as I did. He says the sweetest things David,he tries to keep me happy. Now, I understand you on a different level. You told me when we first started talking almost a year ago,that you were not sure if you were over Jess. I was incompetent to your feelings at that point, I could not understand your loss because I truly never loved before. I in a way, forced you into our relationship, and for that I am truly sorry.
You acted happy for me, at least some of the time. I hope that for the majority of it, you actually were happy, because I was. You made me realize alot about myself; I am very indecisive, I say sorry all the time, I should speak up even though the response might not be what I want to hear, I should accept car rides when they are offered, I should call people more instead of text them, I should be open to new things, I should relax and just breathe even though I might be nervous or unsure, and last but not least, I should speak my mind when I need to and never bottle up my emotions for they will explode when my mind and body can not keep them in.
10 months almost 11 together, and this time we actually went out and experienced one another; in the past we merely tried, and we horribly failed. I have come to learn your body language and your faces. Your words and their underlying meanings. I have never loved a man before like this. Raw vulnerable love.
I am sitting here now, replaying that night over in my head once again. I have replayed those hours so many times it almost feels like it just happened. When you told me, ” Your going off to college, and I don’t want to hold you back.” I never understood it, because I told you I wouldn’t find anyone else. I still think that, but the last time I heard that line, I was speaking it, and to this boy who says he loves me. I can understand every word this time, because this time I am you, and he is me.
I almost recited everything to him, that you told me. I never knew how hard it was to say those things. But this wasn’t after me and him did anything, we just talked. Where as you and I almost shared a year together. I think its hard now to say it to him, where as I can’t imagine the pain you went through to tell me, because we were together for so long.
He reminds me so much of you, its sickening. He bowls, not quite as well as you, but just like you; like how you spin your ball to get endless strikes, yep, he does the same thing. Little things, just a bunch of little things he does makes me want to cry because all I can do is picture you.
Point is, I want him to let go. I know for him, I won’t make him happy. I tried making you happy, and it didn’t work out. I’m in no shape or form to make him happy. If he lets go, and moves on before he gets attached I know he will be better off. Its hard, cause I know you were trying to do this for me SO many times. I bet you played out ways to tell me, but didn’t have the heart to; because I now understand why you couldn’t. To know someone loves you so much, to wait for you until your ready, even though it might make them unhappy; is the biggest flattery. But it is also the greatest curse, because you cannot promise them happiness in return. I can not love him, because we are JUST friends in my book. Me and him? Just friends. You took a chance with me, and I greatly appreciate it because those past couple months were the greatest in my life, and I have pictures of moments in my mind that I will keep with me forever. But unlike you, I am not going to take a chance with him, because I know I will break his heart and I don’t want him to end up like me, writing letters to someone who might never read it.
Seeing someone love me so much, hurts. In my head, I know he is me, and I am you. I understand only some part of that conversation that night. I wanted to tell you, that it took someone else’s feelings, and loveto show me that. Its sad that it takes that long.
I got off topic, I apologize. I need him to let go, because I know if he gets too attached he will sink the way I sunk when I knew I couldn’t make you happy. You need to go out and have fun, be crazy do the single thing. I know you love it, you told me yourself. Sorry I couldn’t give it to you, I know you really wanted too, but you should go out and have ” a good time” with someone. Your in your prime, go have fun. I will not lie, I want you to be sexually happy, but I will also be really jealous and upset about anyone that does; because in the end they did something I could never do for you.
Live your life. Don’t get me wrong, I know you don’t need my permission or approval to do so, I’m pretty dang sure you’ve been doing that since we broke up. But I also know, that if I told this boy to let me go and for him to live his life and forget about me. I would want him to tell me, when he was for sure, over me, so I wouldn’t be guilty.
Just to let you know, I am not over you. I look for your red car everywhere, my heart skips a beat when I think its you, and my stomach drops when I realize it isn’t. I think about you at least once a day, sorry if that sounds like i’m obsessed, but i’m not. Its just a habit cause that is what i’ve been doing for almost a year now, its habit.
I’m getting over my first true love; the hardest part is letting go of the dream of being with you. That is why I never wanted to talk about the future with you, thats why when you talked about it up on that boat tour in Erie I was caught off guard. I didn’t want to create a dream or an image, because I knew you were so uncertain with your own future. Yes, we did talk about it, and I was excited to because I thought it meant you were SURE.
I knew those tears you cried were sincere from that night, because from what you told me and from what I heard you NEVER cry. Lately though, I can not talk to you without thinking that you don’t care anymore and that i’m just annoying. If thats the case, fine TELL ME. I hate not knowing, just tell me so I can deal with it.
I have not let go, it will be a while until I fully do. Just remember the promise I made you, just because I can’t let go does not mean I will stop listening. If we are romantically over, fine I am dealing with that, but I am your friend more than anything. In a few days I know you’ll need to talk to someone, and it might not be me. Though, I did promise you that I will always be here for you, and I stick to my promises.
I love you, romantically and just as a friend. I know now what you mean when you said, ” I love you but I am not sure if i am IN love with you.”
Always Here- Brenna