Every time I even begin to think of the fact that I’m leaving, of how very little I will see you before college, and of the possibility that I could be about to lose what I have with you, it makes me suddenly so sad I feel like I can’t face anything. This is something I’ve tried to hide because, as you know, I don’t like to think about the bad, and also because I hesitate to tell you how deeply I feel for you. I’ll try to explain why.
You know what you have been to me: there have been many times when you have been literally the only person in my life to make me feel cared about. I also want you to know and I want you to believe that throughout the time I have known you, you have always been inexplicably one person I felt I could always trust, you’ve always been a constant in my life and maybe you won’t believe me but it’s been incredibly comforting many a time to find you still cared about me. In many ways I think you have been the steadying force in my life and not the other way around. I’m one for second guessing everything, as you are well aware, and tho I tend to trust everyone, I think my experience this past year has made believing that someone genuinely cares about me one of the hardest things for me to trust. And so I am honestly scared many times that I am driving you away, or that there is nothing for you to love about me even though I know it’s not true. Before I go on, let me say you’ve reminded me over and over again to trust your love and I can’t emphasize enough that the smallest simplest things you do for me truly brighten not only my day but my perspective. I’m tempted to provide another list of the tiny gestures you’ve made that have really touched me, but I won’t haha, I think you’ve read enough to get the point…
Anyway, I wish I could tell you this in a way that conveyed what I actually feel, but guess that’s impossible to express with words. Sometimes I’m scared to tell you how much this relationship means to me. I don’t feel safe being the one chasing you. Because of all the aforementioned issues I guess. But let me try now: it has been the most intense experience of my life being loved by you. I’m not sure if I’ve ever truly been in love before you… I have feelings for you I can’t explain, it astounds me sometimes the the way I feel for you. It sounds so cheesy and I wish I could make it sound better… it’s like I’ve poured every part of me into you and you now have a piece of my life. Or that you ARE a piece of me. It honestly seems that there is no possible end because of that. I have wanted to leave, or thought that I should, but you are inescapable. I am tied to you forever. It’s as you told me, the emotions we’ve shared are something that will never ever be broken.
So though I’m terrified to be alone and though it devastates me, it literally achesss to think of how long I will have to go without seeing you, and the thought I won’t be superficially yours anymore, though that’s making me cry by myself more than you may think and making it difficult sometimes to face life, despite all that, when I look to the future, I am not at all afraid that I will lose you. I have no fear that you will be gone from my life or that the way we feel about each other will ever break. And to me, the way we feel about each other is one thing. Both of our feelings and the emotions we’ve shared are wrapped into one single thing. Neither can love the other more, because it’s a single mutual thing, a bond I guess, that we made together. That’s how I think about it. Or no, that’s what it actually is to me. And so I’m not scared, because that is inescapable and unbreakable. Love is something we share (this is what genuine love means to me), and now that it has been built, it is permanent. It will never go away and every time we come back together it will be there. So we are forever.