My mind hasn’t stopped racing for days.
I wish I wouldn’t be so thoughtless, I wish you wouldn’t get so angry. I wish this wasn’t all happening right now. I wish you’d stop promising me we’re getting married and that we’re forever one minute when things seem like they’re going well and then turn around and tell me what a shitty girlfriend I am, how much of a waste of time I’ve always been to you. I’d love to think that you’re lying with at least one of those beliefs, but my worst fear, that’s being ever confirmed, is that you hold both in tandem. I trusted you, but your trail of broken promises is starting to erode that same trust. I wish that you could see that.
I wish that you’d listen when I told you how I felt, and take heed. I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to slit my wrists tonight. Of course I’d never do it, I told you that myself, but does that mean it’s totally fine to feel this way? I’m not trying to be cute or whore myself out for your attention. I wish I were dead, but I couldn’t bear knowing that I would hurt everyone more than I already have.
I wish this wasn’t a long distance relationship, that things had worked out the way we’d initially planned. You seem like every day you forget how much you used to love my by just a bit more. It’d be so different in person. Watching your apathy grow stronger everyday is tearing me in half, the only way I know how to make you happy is to be on cam with you, showing off for you at your whim.
I wish I didn’t love you as much as I did. I wish that I could walk away and not feel hollow, useless, lost, and torn.
I wish I didn’t have to wake up in the morning, only to see our relationship deteriorate just a little more.
As impossible as all of those things seem, I’m going to be up early in the morning, despite the fact that you’ve forbidden me to speak to you until spoken to. I will be a miserable wreck, but to you I’ll appear happy. I love you, and if you won’t have me any other way than yours, I wish only that I can live up to your expectations and finally be all that you want me to be.