• Well that was disapointing.

    by  • August 24, 2010 • Friends, Grief, Lost Love, Regret, To You • 0 Comments

    Just so we’re clear, I thought we were going out to lunch just you and me. When you brought him to the car, when he said hello and didn’t even recognize me, all I could think was “I could have been packing right now.” It was my last day in town before moving halfway across the country and you choose then to use me as a taxi to get food for your coaches? I was tired, scared, and I needed you. I needed my best friend and it hurt that you considered their needs more important than mine. But I was leaving out of state for college anyway right, so what did I matter to you anymore? You didn’t know if I’d still want to be friends any way. Why not end it now? For all your ethics you robbed me of company on my loneliest day.

    Just so there’s no doubt, I knew when I became your friend that I risked this ending. I just hoped by being there for you I’d help you avoid becoming a jaded cynic who has answers for everything but only cynics to share it with. And that was arrogant of me, I see that now. Your life is hard and I was there for you selflessly but my hands are liars. Seeing how relationships might continue doesn’t mean I’m blind to the ways they might end. Realizing that I won’t be your bitch must have hurt and if you had gotten over that fact earlier in the relationship we would have been better friends. But now you’ll be too chicken shit to try and fix this after I sent you that text asserting myself. Sweetheart, life is messy. It isn’t calculus. Friendship has no formulas; you can play by the book and lose every time. You can’t give unselfish love if you don’t practice it and believe me, it will serve you better than all the Debate trophies you win. For all the books you’ve read you still have an uneducated heart.

    Just so it’s even, I’m doing absolutely fine. If I never hear from you again, that’s fine too. But you need to hear from me I think. I know I can forget you. I question whether you will let yourself remember me, if you’ll even acknowledge my validity, and only that and that alone gives me pause. I can come to terms with everything but I know you’re bigger than that. I don’t worry about the way you feel anymore; I’m just trying to make sense of my life because nothing else matters more to me than that. I’m loving school by the way (I wish you would have talked to me about how you felt about staying in state, silly me actually giving a shit.) Washington DC is amazing. I handed out condoms on a street corner the first day. We were working with a counseling center/foodbank for HIV AIDS victims. I hope I’ll get a chance to do more of this stuff. I still love Indian culture and am going to look into taking Hindi so I can watch Bollywood movies without subtitles. I love India and Hinduism the same, you just aren’t part of the reason why any more. Oh and for the record, I don’t really forgive you. You’d have to make it up to me for me to do that and frankly past experience shows that there will be cases to write and books to read and people more important to schmooze with than the ones that make you feel normal. Oh well. It is your loss. But ask yourself: I got into college on the essay I got out of this. What did you get?

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