• Stranger

    by  • August 24, 2010 • Friends, Grief, Letting Go, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You • 0 Comments

    I miss you; not you, but the you who you used to be. I don’t know this girl anymore who makes me feel sad, who doesn’t care about anyone but herself, who spews lie after lie to cover more lies. This girl is a disgusting stranger to me; she is the quintessential type of person that I despise most. This girl ate my best friend chewed her up and spit her out as a nasty, selfish, arrogant spoiled brat on a high horse. Well, you horrible bitch in my friend’s body, I have something to say to you.

    A while ago I made a big oops, but then I made it so much worse by telling you and putting you in an awful position. I want to apologize for that… I should have never told anyone but to not tell you felt so unnatural. You hold a very special place in my heart; you were my best friend, I trusted you more than anyone. I told you everything up until then so why would distance between us change this, you know? I needed someone to talk to about it. Unfortunately I didn’t know you had changed so much that you would actually tell all these people who didn’t need to get involved my business. They told me themselves on separate occasions and after all the lies I’ve been watching you tell every one of your closest friends, how can I not believe them? Yeah you didn’t tell the one person who really mattered in this situation and I should thank you for that, you kept my trust there and I recognize that, but at the same time not really. We were all wrong here, you see, and we all need to understand this. I thought I just needed a friend to keep this secret for me, someone I could confide in. But what I really needed was a friend to tell me “What you did is wrong and you need to fix this now, not later.” You could have kept my trust and been a good friend to both of us simply by saying, “You have to tell her, if you won’t I’ll have to do it.” I’m a reasonable woman I would have gotten over it. But you didn’t tell me that, and neither did anyone else who found out.. and no one else is to blame because no one really knew how to handle a situation like this one. We were all too immature for something like this. The saddest part of everything is that what began the end of this friendship, besides you changing, were misunderstandings on your side. You swore I was ripping you off when the truth is I would never do that to you, not for my boyfriend not for anyone because you were still the one I loved the most. Then you accused me of yelling at her and I didn’t do that either. And then you said all these hurtful things that I never knew a best friend could say to a best friend. This new girl who says “Remember I know all you’re secrets” and “no wonder you have no friends” isn’t the same girl I used to know. What happened to you? This is a question I keep asking myself. It just doesn’t make sense to me that you could forget so easily the person who loved you the most. You used to shine so bright, baby. You made me smile all day. What happened?

    We both have very different versions of what happened I’m sure. But this is mine. Your hurtful words sparked a flame in me. I was just so tired of seeing you get away with all this shit and so I spitefully exposed you. But honestly, I did it to get through to you. I wanted to take away this comfort that you get from having one good friend that makes you think you can treat all your other ones like shit, like the rest don’t matter because you have one strong one. Life doesn’t work that way. You damage people and they don’t ever forget and things get tainted. The way you speak lately, it’s like you truly think you’re better than everyone else. But with the way you’ve been acting, you’re a worse person than all of us. At least I tried to make my mess right. You just keep covering your messes with more lies. You make excuses over and over and over again. WHY CAN’T YOU EXCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS? It’s always one thing or another. Some of your excuses absolutely disgust me, blaming your wrong actions on something that happened to you years and years ago? What the fuck is that garbage? I just don’t know you anymore. And the reason this is a letter I’ll never send is because it’s completely and utterly pointless to send this to you. You’re too immature and totally incapable of taking in these words about your character. So I’ll write all these things that I’ve said to you before, and you’ll never really hear them until you want to hear them but I wonder if that will ever happen. I wonder if this new bitch is just who you are now. I truly hope not because I miss my old best friend.

    I realized I lost you when I asked you if you really cared that you were being so horrible to me and you responded with a no. I thought it would hurt so much more to lose someone so important to me, but honestly I never shed one tear. How can you lose someone who had already lost herself in the first place? You haven’t been you for a while, and I’ve slowly been realizing this so this ending wasn’t such a shocker. But damn baby you changed for the worse so fast. Your closest friends are all saying it, and you lost most of them, so what next? One would think that you would realize you’re doing something wrong when all your closest friends are leaving your side but not you. You create an illusion of lies to deceive yourself into thinking you have your boyfriend back to make the loss of all these people seem unimportant but you don’t really have him back so when will you realize that you lost all the people who loved you the best? I may have lost a lot of “friends” but the truth is they clearly were never real friends to begin with if they left me so easily. We on the other hand, the ones that you “shed”, we truly cared about you. You keep thinking that you’ve won when the truth is you lost more than all of us; you lost yourself.

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