It’s been a little over 12 years since I have seen you. That is 4,383 days I have gone without a father. 626 weeks that your 3, and possibly 4, children have gone without their dad. I talk to them, and I get the feeling that I’m the most pained by that fact. That kills me. There are so many experiences in my 20 years of living that I wish I had you there for. You’re not. So many questions I have. So many of your opinions I haven’t had in my life to consider. Dad, I went to your house every other weekend for a few years. I hated every minute I spent in you and your girlfriends house. In the scheme of things I really wish I knew that its all I would ever have with you, because now I can’t even get that. Your family has called me as recently as last year. They wanted to visit, or have me visit. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. They’ve stopped calling. Dad, I don’t know anything about you. I know your name. I know your age. But I don’t know anything real about you. I can’t ask my Mom. She has no interest in talking about you. My sister would like to shield me from your life’s mistakes. I haven’t talked to my older brother in years, but he has a family.. with a whole lot of kids you’ll never get the opportunity to meet. I suppose I should be grateful for the time I had with you while you were around, but I can’t help myself in wanting so much more.
Dad… You were taken from my life far too early. I know its not really your fault. I wish I could stop trying to blame someone, because I know I’ll never find anyone at fault. And I know it sounds a lot like I’m blaming you. I just wish I had you around. I would give anything to have you back in my life. Even if it were just for a day, if I got my dad for an entire day, I would give up anything for just one more day.
I need closure. I don’t know how I’ll ever find it. I don’t know how to find it. I don’t even know that this letter will help at all. I just wish you were here. I wish we could go fishing. I wish we could catch turtles and make shirts again. I wish you would take me to your barbershop and cut my hair. I wish we could go out to eat. I wish you saw me graduate high school. I wish I could tell you that I’m gay. I wish you were here for that entire period of my life. I wish I had your insight, your opinions, your thoughts. I wish you were here for all of my life. There hasn’t been anything I’ve ever wanted more. I miss you more than anything, Dad. Even though this is an unsent letter, I hope it somehow gets to you.
Love, always, your son.