• i’ll never forgive myself

    by  • August 24, 2010 • Betrayal, Gratitude, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Regret • 0 Comments

    i fell for you for no apparent reason. you’re not at all my type. i don’t even find you that attractive. and on top of all that, you were my brother’s friend. but despite that, i liked you. for two years. it was put on hold after you hurt me the first time. i wrote it off. i decided i was too naive, and i should have realized nothing would ever happen. i told myself i was smarter now. and then you did it again. you charmed me somehow. and i was yours. i never enjoyed kissing until i met you. it became my favorite thing to do. those nights when we just held each other, and talked and kissed for hours on end, when neither of us wanted to sleep, they meant so much to me. i hate to admit it, but they still do. and i remember in the back of my mind, always thinking, this is amazing, but she comes back soon. she wasn’t your girlfriend, she hadn’t been for years. but i knew you guys had some sort of connection. and then, out of nowhere, you opened up to me about hating her, and how you don’t want anything to change when she comes back. and i believed you. god, i believed you. and i was so excited. i didn’t know if we’d date, because you’re you, you don’t date. but i knew you liked me, i knew i was more than a random hookup, and that was enough. it was enough to be wanted. and then she came back. and it was different. you were different. she was always right there. and even if you didn’t want her there, you said nothing. you never said anything. it was so humiliating, everyone knew about us, yet you completely ignored me for her. at least if it was a secret i could have dealt with the pain myself, and not had to deal with pity glances from all of our friends. and then came the night that broke me. we were actually talking all night, and she kept her distance. and then she didn’t. and somehow you ended up sleeping over my house with her. my house. with her. i was crushed. i didn’t know what to do. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry. i wanted to break something, break her, break you. but i just went to bed, and got as much sleep as i could. and then you both lingered in the morning as if what you did affected no one else. and you had the audacity to still talk to me after that. as if we’d never had anything. as if you hadn’t ruined everything. and i was too nice, and too hurt, and liked you too much to ever tell you how i really felt. but then you confided in my best friend how much you care about me. how much you hate her, but don’t know what to do about your situation with her, how much you don’t want to hurt me. how could you hurt me like that if you care about me? you don’t care. she will always be better than me, you’ll always choose her. and that pains me to no end. you “hate” her, but you won’t say no to her. why was it so easy to treat me like shit, but so hard to tell her no. i’ll never say anything to you, i know myself. and everyday, i wait for some kind of acknowledgment from you of what you’ve done to me, even though i know there is no point. i will never mean as much to you as her. it’s gotten easier to not expect a text from you everyday. it’s gotten easier to sleep knowing you’ll never sleep next to me again. but it won’t ever be easy to accept that you’ll never want to be with me. you broke me. and you don’t seem to care. she leaves for college soon. please don’t try to talk to me. i will hate you forever. it’s amazing that i don’t already. i can only hope that my feelings for you will fade, because it’s tearing me up inside. i wonder every day if i’ll ever want to kiss someone as much as i wanted to kiss you, or ever be able to talk to someone as easily as i talked to you. i have hope, but it’s dim. please go away so it can grow. let me meet someone else. i think the worst part is that you picked her, when you have no intention of dating her, all you got was a few nights of pleasure. you could have had something real with me. maybe you’ll realize your mistake, maybe you won’t. i just wish you could know the damage you’ve done.

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