• I still deciding if it’s good or bad…

    by  • August 24, 2010 • Friends, Hope, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I am undeniably and stupidly in love with you. You are the opposite of everything I ever thought I would want for myself, you aren’t stable, you’re flighty, you care more for yourself than any person should. You make me laugh so much that I want to relive the moments over and over-being with you is the corniest and most natural high I have ever experienced.

    I cannot even begin to put into words how blessed I feel to consider you a friend, let alone the great friend you have been to me and for me. Ultimately, I know, that if we were to ever be together it would most likely be catastrophic. We are two people too set in our ways. Even in knowing this, and knowing you are moving in year, I get this acid feeling in my chest just thinking about you loving someone else. I keep trying to convince myself that you really do love me like I love you and that you think I just want to be friends, that this pain you feel too. I wish that I were more physically ‘your type’, I feel like then my chances would be huge, because my confidence would be higher.

    I don’t think that I want to be with you in the long run, I think we would kill each other before that worked. All I want-so desperately it consumes pretty much my every minute- is to just know that you felt this way about me. I think somewhere in you, you do. The way you look at me sometimes makes me want to burst. I love you so much I just don’t know how to handle it or what to do about it. Maybe if you were with someone else I would be able to work through that pain without the what if clouding my judgment. I am scared to death of the fact that this connection I have with you will haunt me forever; you will always be the one who got away, or who I couldn’t get. I’m scared that I will never feel this way about anyone else, and that I will be slighting any potential loves in the future.

    I don’t know how else to explain this feeling. My skin literally reacts to your touch, it feels like it moves and crawls and makes me crazy. I can I feel like this for you and you not feel this way for me? There must be something there, unless I’m crazy. You are leaving in a year, and in a week you will be living 2 minutes from my door. I am so excited to spend so much time with you, and yet terrified of the day you leave to live halfway across the country. It makes it hard to breath thinking about that. If nothing comes of our relationship before you go, I will give you a letter, a real one, that tells you how I feel. I will jeopardize a lifetime of your friendship to make sure you know how much I love you. And how much I fucking hate it.

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