• I wish I knew how to quit you… no joke.

    by  • August 24, 2010 • Friends, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    The first time I saw you I thought you were one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen. You have the Will Smith look that will make any girl fall, but your eyes just cut me to ribbons. I was a freshman, and you a sophomore and even though I had never exchanged a single word with you I knew we had something in common: we both love theater. I was so ecstatic when we both got into our high school musical’s 42nd Street and I thought maybe I could be friends with you. I never got myself caught up with you when I was a mere freshman, though. I just thought you were beautiful and when ever you said something to me I stuttered like a moron and cursed myself for not keeping my cool. I was awkward and a little turd. You were gorgeous and every girl wanted you as they grabbed your muscles and laughed at every funny thing you said. For that, I avoided you only admiring your looks from afar. I actually thought you were cocky and one hell of a party animal… I was so wrong.
    My Sophomore came and we were doing RENT for our musical. I happily got the part of Maureen, but I was sad to see that you didn’t audition at all, but the rest of the year was great. I never thought about you and I had the time of my life going down to Disney World with my choir. I made so many friends and I was finally not the awkward clutz like I was freshman year. I was getting prettier, I was one of the leading ladies, the cast looked up to me as an inspiration, and I made friends with you’re BFF, K, who was Angel in RENT. Sophomore year was unforgettable and the best year of my life… then you came back into my vision.
    You auditioned for “The Conservatory” which is a web series on You Tube that takes place at ATC studios. I, too, was part of this show and I was thrilled that you were joining the cast. My mother, the founder of ATC Studios, told me you were auditioning and I immediately smiled. I was now prettier and maybe I could talk to this kid without having an internal breakdown.
    It was a long day of filming and we were finally hitting it off. You were telling jokes as I laughed foolishly at each one, but I was finally talking to you. Soon enough, I was spending the whole summer with you in this workshop we were doing in NYC. We became really close friends and that was all I wanted. I just wanted to be friends. I found out you were the opposite of what I expected. You never had a girlfriend,you never made out with anyone, you were a virgin, you never did drugs, and you got drunk only once. You also weren’t some guy who listened to the radio. You loved indie bands and I did too. I never saw myself with you and I’m sure you didn’t think that way either. We were best friends, but the fall came and I entered my junior year as you were a high and mighty senior. I was happy that I got to do the play with you “Death of a Salesman” where I played Linda Lowman and you Uncle Ben. We would always have fun backstage having silly little fights, fooling around with the props, and going out to eat after rehearsals. Sometimes we would go to the ghetto side of town and me, being the white girl that I am, got scared. You promised me if anyone comes at me, you would knock them out. I always felt safe with you.
    It was the night before I was going to go see “Where the Wild Things Are” with you and a couple of friends. I was just chilling with my friend, L, and I can always count on her for advise, but out of the blue she says, “I think A likes you.” I completely am blown away and I immediately deny it. It was impossible! How could a beautiful man like him, a man who should be a Calvin Klein model, like me? Sure I was pretty too, but he deserved an Angelina Jolie or Victoria Beckham type of woman. I’m the kind of girl who gets compared to Ellen Page and Kate Mara. But she calmed me down and pointed out all the facts. I came to a slow realization that, yes, you did like me. And for that I was catapulted into experiencing strong feelings for you. I imagined us on dates, holding hands, and kissing.
    Sadly, I was noted that you did like me, but you liked someone else a lot more than me. I was okay, though, but I continued to like you. I sort of blamed L for telling me that you liked me, but it was all wrong. I hated that I liked you. I hated seeing you walk down the halls with you band t-shirt on and headphones glued to your ears as you jammed with some indie band I either loathed or loved. I made myself sick thinking about you constantly. I felt so foolish for thinking that this invisible girl could be with you, but we kept on being friends. You still made me feel like the best person ever as you loudly screamed my name in the hallway making me feel not so invisible. But there is this one time where I can forgive you for, but I still hold a tiny grudge.
    It was the cast party of death of a salesman and all i wanted you to do was to pull me aside and ask me out, but I knew that would never happen. Instead you told me to shut up whenever i started talking, you mocked me and called me names. I was starting to feel like Rudolf the red nosed reindeer at the time. You called me crazy and laughed whenever anyone else made fun of me. I hated you. I hated you so fucking much for not sticking up for me like you would have. My friend offered to take me home early, but no. I opted to stay with you because I was such a fucking idiot and wanted to spend more time with you no matter how much you insulted me. It was the wrong decision as I was close to tears in the restaurant. When our friend finally drove us both home I finally let the tears roll down my face silently. I was in the back so I didn’t think you could hear or see me, but you turned around with a slight smile, but it quickly melted away after you saw the catastrophe on my face. You looked at me for the longest time, but I refused to look at your beautiful dumb head. I finally got home and finally cried hard. I hated you so much, but i still fucking liked you and I hated myself. I just wanted to go to a hypnotist to forget about you, but you texted me. I felt my heart skip a beat and I read the text cautiously. You asked me if I was okay and I told you the truth. You apologized, but I was still hurt by the fact that you still didn’t like me. But you still remained my friend and I thank you for that.But now here comes the fun part.
    It ends up that you liked me. You forgot about the other girl and turned to me. Now what? That’s exactly what we both thought. We were both so stuck in our innocence that we didn’t know how to exactly warm up to each other. The rule with me is that the guy must flirt with me in order for me to flirt back. But you never did. Your looks were of a lion, but inside you was just a tiny mouse. There were times when we flirted, but I didn’t know if he was flirting or not. You wanted to spend New Years Eve with but plans fell through. Eventually, we both lost our spark. I came to a realization that I didn’t like you anymore and you didn’t like me. So we never dated, never held hands, or any of that shit. It would have been weird and I’m glad it ended like that… up until now.
    We still remained friends, but there was always this inkling to liking you. I would always feel my heart flutter a little every time you entered a room, but I seriously had no intention of liking you again, but after a while I couldn’t deny it. But it was too late. You liked another girl and you actually did end up asking her out. But I was okay. She was gorgeous. She was everything you deserved. I couldn’t help but look at you’re prom picture on face book and “awww” at the cute pictures of you two. I was really happy and I sort of loved seeing you two hold hands in the hallway, but what I despised was you would avoid any contact with me. If she wasn’t by you in the hall you would always smile those gorgeous pearls and mutter, “punk” which is the nickname that you gave me that i fell in love with. But when she was by your side i looked to you and you just looked away sending my heart to tear a little.
    Now you two broken up and we still remain friends and the whole summer i have not thought so much about you until the last night in july when you saw my performance in NYC. I was so happy to see you and immediately we went into friend mode and joked around with each other. We went out to eat at Applebees and that’s when I realized I liked you AGAIN. But nearly not as much as I ever did because you were being a big dick that night anyway. You were never serious with me and just acted like a little kid. Everyone laughed with you and again I was the one getting made fun of. But this time I took a stand and said, “Why can’t you ever be nice to me?” You didn’t answer me and kept going. I finally grabbed your arm and repeated the words except I was very serious. You just shook your dumb head with a smug grin and never answered my question.
    But i like you. I really like you. I feel so comfortable with you. We like the same bands. We’re both into music. We’re both into acting. You’re best friends with my family. We have the same problems and we can relate to each other. But you’re not perfect at all. You’re not anywhere near perfect, but that’s okay because I’m not either. I feel so stupid that I didn’t flirt with you when I had the chance. I could have had you, but my shyness ruined it.
    I haven’t seen you for a month now and we are going to be seeing a band together in NYC. I’m different though. I’m a senior in High School. You’re a freshman in college. I wont be able to fool around with you back stage, or you won’t be able to scream my name in the halls. But when I see you in the first time in months will I finally be appealing for you? Will i finally be pretty with the nose ring you told me to get? The bands you told me to like? The hipster look that you find so attractive? Will I be good enough for you now that I have done all of that? Maybe you’ll take me seriously for once. Maybe I should get tattoos and gauges that you find so attractive, but no. That’s sickening. I will never EVER change for you. I got myself into the bands, I got the nose ring because i love the way it looks on me, I got the leather jacket because its my style. Don’t you ever think you had something to do with it. I really wish i knew how to quit you, but you will never leave my life. I know i will NEVER marry you, but I feel like we will be with each other at one point in our lives. So could you please grow up and stop making fun of me when i ask you to stop? Stop being nine. It’s getting old. I know you have always liked me, even when you were with your girlfriend. Everyone says it. My friends and even my parents. So when will you finally grow up? Or maybe the better question is when will I finally be strong enough to forget you?

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