Who ever knew, the first time I saw you, that you’d have such an effect on me?
We met a little over a year ago, and you didn’t take my breath away. You were a coworker, a friend, and someone to talk to in an unfamiliar place. Looking back, I remember thinking that you seemed like the kind of guy I could fall for, if only you were better looking. It makes me sad, when I realize how shallow that was.
Our coworkers made fun of us, saying we clearly liked one another when we didn’t – ironic, isn’t it?
I don’t really remember how it happened, but suddenly, you and I became so close. We had a conversation, and played Truth… Do you know that thanks to you, that’s my favorite game to play when I want to get to know someone? Anyway, we played, and suddenly you were so fun to talk to. 24/7, I was in communication with you, and I loved it. You could tell me I was pretty or that I had nice hair, and it didn’t feel awkward or strange – it just felt like a good friend. You gave me advice about other guys, and told me about the girl you were talking to. We hung out a lot, and always had fun together.
It was that night that we went ice skating that things changed. You paid for me – I hadn’t expected that. Then you held my hand so that I wouldn’t fall. Do you remember how I made you promise not to let me hit the ice? I remember how you never let go. That meant a lot to me. We played tag on that ice. And completely wiped out. We laughed so hard about that. I miss laughing with you. We made plans to go skiing when you came home from college in the winter.
You took me to get cookies at the restaurant nearby, and then we went to see The Last Song. We were the only two people in the theater. I loved that. We sat in the very back row. You asked me where I was sitting. And you asked me to sit in your lap. I put my legs over the seat in front of me and leaned my head against your chest. You wrapped your arms around me, tight. I miss that. I miss being in your arms. It was my favorite place to be in the world. Our fingers became intertwined are some point. I miss that, too.
After that night, things were much different between us. But I didn’t mind. You warned me about what might happen. You didn’t want a girlfriend going into college. I didn’t want a boyfriend who lived hours away. But we had the summer ahead of us, and that was all that mattered to me.
You were my first kiss, you know. I’ll never forget you because of that. I doubt I’ll forget the time or the place. I miss Tuesday afternoons, when you used to come over and cuddle with me. Or huggle, as we called it.
I was so angry when you ended things. You hadn’t even given it a chance. But I couldn’t stay mad at you for long. You’d told me it might happen. Such a shame I didn’t fully believe you.
I don’t remember when things changed, but you stopped talking to me as much. We ran out of things to say. Looking back, I can’t remember what we fought about, but we exchanged words over something. Texts were suddenly less frequent; few and far between. Conversations were short and pointless. I kept thinking that you just needed time. Boy, was I wrong.
I have a hard time believing you called me to tell me about her while you were on senior week. Really? I know you got over me quickly, but I didn’t get over you quite at fast. That hurt. Would you have cared as much about me in that situation?
And when you started dating her… I felt sick. I almost threw up, when I saw it on facebook. Really? After how much you told me you didn’t want a girlfriend? Interesting. Was it because I wasn’t physical enough for you? I regret nothing. I’ve heard she’s a whore. I’m sorry, but I have. I’ve never met her… But you told me yourself she’s a slut, so I guess that’s not so far off.
It’s only recently that I learned that you lied to me. You told me you hadn’t slept with anyone – I’ve heard differently. I don’t understand why you lied. Really, I don’t. I suppose it’s possible they were lying, but I really don’t know why I should trust you anymore. I was disgusted. Do you know that? Disgusted. I also heard something about “up until prom.” I’m pretty sure they were talking about someone else at that point, and I really hope so, because your prom was awfully close to mine. And if you were keeping things from me up until that point… then I really will have lost all respect for you.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I deleted you as my facebook friend. I also deleted you from my phonebook. You texted me the other day. I didn’t reply. I wonder how long it’ll be until you text me again, or if you’ll text me at all. If you do, I’ll have a hard time not replying. That’s what kills me the most. No matter how angry I get, I still remember my bestfriend. You used to call me beautiful. I remember the first time you ever did. I smiled at my phone for a long time. I miss haring that. I miss feeling like I’m important, like I’m special. I miss your smell, your hugs, your kisses, your laugh. I miss driving with you forever, I miss our Applebee’s trips, I miss Tuesdays, I miss working together, I miss our inside jokes. I miss singing in the car and that time we raced in the parking lot, and I won. You told me we had to race again so you could win.
We never did.
These are the things that kill me. It kills me that I miss you. I still miss you. After how much you hurt me, and the times you lied, and the ass you were, I miss you. That hurts worst of all. I want one more hug. I want one more Tuesday afternoon. I want my best friend back. You promised me things weren’t going to change. You promised me we’d stay close when you left.
You left two days ago, but we grew apart long before then. You taught me how easily promises can be broken, and how empty words can be. You brought back old insecurities and trust issues, and I hate you for that. But at the same time, I can’t hate you. I told you as my best friend that I loved you. And I did.
I just wish I could still tell you so.
I just wish I still felt that way.
I just miss you.