I don’t understand why you did what you did. Were things really that bad? I’m sorry if I ever added to your suffering. The night before you seemed so happy. You were joking and laughing and talking about your future. I think the last think you ever said to me was something to the extent of ‘You can have my banana.’ You were so happy that night.
I remember being at homecoming a few weeks before. I saw you standing there on the dark dance floor without anyone to dance with. That night all I wanted was for you to ask me to dance. I walked back and forth in front of you about a dozen times to see if you would. Now when I think about that night I wonder how different things would be if I had. Would I still be with my boyfriend now, or would I be with you? And above all, if I would have asked you, would you still have done what you did? I know that the pain you were feeling went way more deep then not having anyone to dance with at homecoming.
The day you did it, I was at work. I left and walked out to my car around 9 that night. When I got my phone out I had about 9 text messages and 2 missed calls. I opened the first message from my friend Casey, it said ‘Omg. Did you hear that Zach killed himself?’ When I read it my heart sank. I read the others, mostly pertaining to you. The missed call was from one of your best friends. He tried to call and let me know more easily that a text. I went back into work and sat there for a little bit before I left. At this point I was still trying to convince myself it wasn’t true. I heard there was a group of kids at the high school, so that was where I went. I bawled the entire way there. I was yelling things like ‘it’s not true’ and ‘it’s not fair.’ I convinced myself that if I got there and there weren’t any cars then it was a lie. When I got there the lights in the band room were on and I knew.
Going to your calling hours was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I waited in a huge line of people and was able to keep myself composed as my friends and I wound through the funeral home. I was fine until we got close. When I saw your body laying there I lost it. The body laying in the casket wasn’t my Zach. It couldn’t have been. Your hair looked less red. And I couldn’t see your beautiful blue eyes. I started crying right as I got to your mom in the line. She hugged me and held me and even knew my name. She was so strong that day. What you put them through makes me angry at you. How could you hurt them like that? How could you hurt everyone like that?
I have never cried so much in my entire life. You’d think after 10 months it’d get easier, but it doesn’t. I think about you every day. Sometimes I still find my cheeks wet with tears when something reminds me of you. I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I love you.