I decided I should take this opportunity, to get out everything I so desperately want and need to say to you, so that I don’t have to “meet and talk” like you keep suggesting when you’re drunk. So that I don’t have to meet you and have you slyly slip into the conversation that you’re with someone new. I know. Someone else accidentally let it slip. And even after almost a year, it still cut me up. I was so angry about that, I thought I should be over you by now. But I’m not. I don’t know how to stop loving you, believe me I’ve tried. So maybe I always will. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Because of you I ended up in therapy, and even when that ended I wasn’t okay. I’m still not as okay as I could be really, as I used to be but I don’t think I’ll ever go back to that. You’ve changed me forever. You absolutely demolished everything that I thought I knew about myself, you swept in like a hurricane, and then left. I think the problem is, that we had such an amazing connection when we first met. Nothing has ever felt so right, no-one has ever got me, been on my wavelength in that way before. And I guess when the switch was flicked, and you suddenly turned into someone I didn’t know and didn’t understand, I kept waiting for you to switch back. Still am. And there’s a part of me that absolutely hopes and prays that you’ll come back into my life and we’ll connect again, and we’ll have perfection. But we will never have that because you don’t even understand, or don’t want to understand, what you did to me. You came into my life, got right under my skin, into my head, became a part of me, and then suddenly didn’t want to know anymore. Except, occasionally, when you were drunk, or insecure, or lonely. Then you loved me again. And stopped in the morning.
I spent eighteen months of my life ready for those occasional 3am texts that would arrive asking for me to get in a taxi and come to you, make you feel better. I always came. But what happened when I was suicidal? What happened when I was at my lowest ebb? Where were you?!!!!!!!
And that, is why I’m moving on. That’s why, most of the time, I actually don’t want to feel anything for you, and it angers me when I do. Because I am worth more than what you made of me. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect and love. Not someone who used and abused me. One day I’ll find that person, and I’ll be really really happy. But at the moment, I’m still rebuilding myself, and I’m finding happiness in that too. Its something of a miracle actually.
Better people than me would say that I hope you’re happy too. And I wish I could but I can’t quite stretch to that. It’s not that I don’t want you to be, I want the day to come that you sit up and realise what you lost when you pushed me away. I want you to want and need me again, like I wanted and needed you, I want you to know what it feels to lose me like I lost you. I can’t work out if that’s because I want us to then be together, or because I want to send you packing. Either way, I want it to happen.
You will never find someone who loves you as much as I do, or who will do anything for you as I would have done.
I still love you so much. But I am going to be okay.