Hi, it’s Me. You know what’s funny? I sat here staring at a blank page for an hour, trying to come up with the words that I’ve been saying in my head for almost nine years. Trying to pull them out of my thoughts and somehow sew them together into sentences that make sense. But that’s not the funny part. The funny part is that I realized that the reason I couldn’t do it, couldn’t just write it all down for you, is because I know you already know. I know it won’t make a difference. Or it might. What do I know? I’ve known you for almost half of my life and you can still surprise me.
I could write about how you were there for me when I was at my lowest, when I wanted to die. I could write about how you never once told me I needed to see a doctor, never once told me that I needed someone else to talk to besides you. I could write about how terrified I was that I’d never talk to you again when you joined the Army, about how the thought crossed my mind to join the Army myself just so that I could maybe take a bullet for you. I could write about all the times I watched you move from one heartbreaking relationship to another in a routine that killed me so very slowly. I could write about how I love you, how I’ve loved you since I was ten and you were thirteen (or fourteen) and you told me that I was worth something when no one else I’d ever known had ever said that to me before. I could write about loving you.
If I were to write about loving you, I’d say that it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever decided not to do. I’d say that even though I’m in a relationship now and that I am so, so happy, that I still sometimes wish you’d given me the chance to make you as happy as I am now. I’d say that you’re the best and worst thing that’s ever made it all worth it for me. I’d say that you’re my soul mate.
But you already know all that.
So I’m just going to thank you, because I wouldn’t be who or where I am without you. Because you’re the best and worst thing. Because I love you so much, and that made it less of a jump to love someone else. Because you already know all this and you’re still my friend.