You asked me what was wrong several times today. More and more lately, I’m gaining more control of my emotions, but today I slipped up by a lot. I’m highly insecure about myself (looks, personality, career, belongings, etc) that I keep asking myself, “Why?” Why are you with me? Why do you like me? When are you going to suddenly realize I’m not good enough for you and leave me. No matter how hard I try to push you away, so I have control of the hurt, you only get closer. You know all of my secrets, everything about me, yet I still know nothing about you. I’ve been extremely selfish, but so have you by holding your emotions hostage. It’s hard for me because you are so emotionally unavailable. I can’t read you. I want to read you. I want to understand you the way you understand me.
I hate that you’re so far away, even when you are home. But I know the distance will either break me or make me stronger. Please know that no matter how hard I push or how far I run away that I have always loved you and will always love you and pray that there is some kind of future between us, even if/when I’m shut down.
I know these sentiments aren’t reciprocated, but that’s something I’ve been trying to deal with over the last 5 years. But I mean it, I love