The darkness smothers me like a thick wool blanket on a hot summer night. It creeps up on me, and when I least expect it, it takes me by force, pulling me under until there is no room to breathe.
Up until the 1920’s, there was a very popular form of torture where captors would don their captives in earplugs, nose plugs, a blindfold and bind them tightly so that they were incapable of escape. This torture was called sensory deprivation.
This is worse. I am falling, and I can’t even FEEL. All of my senses are gone. I don’t even feel myself falling, although I know instinctively that I am rapidly plummeting to whatever doom awaits me at the end of this infinite Hell of nothingness. I feel nothing, I AM nothing.
What I wouldn’t give for a sound, a taste, a smell, what I wouldn’t give to open my eyes, and see again. I would cry, but I am devoid of all emotion. I somehow KNOW that I am dead. This MUST be what death is like. Once your mind is gone, there must be nothing. No comprehension, no feeling, and no emotion. Total nothingness.
A minute goes by. I have no heartbeat.
An hour goes by. My body grows cold.
A day passes. The maggots gather to eat at my flesh.
A week is gone. My bones rot and fall.
A month creeps by. Only dust remains.
One year. There is nothing left but my mind. There is nothing left, but an endless blackness.
An eternity passes… there is no end. There never will be.
All of a sudden, everything comes rushing back to me; smells, textures, memories, tastes, sounds, and my eyes fly open. I know that I am safe, but I also know that the darkness could come back any moment.
I am back.
I am terrified.
I am still alive.
I am lying in my bed.
I am a scared little girl.
I just need my mommy.