I can’t believe you said that, I really couldn’t, and I still can’t.
I feel that if that were true, then we will always be connected in one way or another. And from where I am standing now, I do not know if I am strong enough to handle that.
I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. I.LOVE.YOU. I have loved you for so long. I have endured a lot and I suspect that I will go through more. I do not know how I will make it out alive. It is difficult for me to see myself surviving the future, because I am barely making it now.
I love you so much, that I am willing to forsake everything and everyone I know. If it meant that we would be together. I feel that as long as you are there for me and with me and you let me be that person for you, then we would be ok. Except, you don’t even consider me family, yet – if you ever will.
I would be your moon, your stars and your sky because you are my sun. Did you know that? I would light up the dark for you because you are my sun.
But, I am NOT the one for you. I never was and I never will. I never was and I never will be. I.NEVER.WAS.and.I.NEVER.WILL.BE.
How long do you think you would be able to last knowing that the person you love, to the core of your soul, does not and will not love you back the same? Am I weak for letting it go on this long? Or am I a rock for making it this far? Or am I neither, but a fool for allowing myself to be in this situation? Tell me, do you think YOU would last?
You know, I would hold you at night till you knew in your heart that you are safe. I would hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up anymore, because I know that your smile and your laugh hold me up every moment of every day. You are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. It’s so cliched, but it is true. You are on my mind every moment of every day. Your opinion is the first one I consider and the last one I go against.
But, I never was and never will be yours….any of that.
Other times, I just want to push you because of the things you say and the stuff you do. Other times, I just want to lay next to you…to hear your heart beat and match your every breath. And, then, other times, I just want to fuck you. To blow your mind and pleasure you to the point where your mind is obliterated. Sometimes, I see you wear clothes that make me go crazy in my mind.
That night, I saw you move and I thought to myself, the fact that that can never be mine…it drove me INSANE. All I wanted to do was take you somewhere and just BLOW YOUR MIND and FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
I think it’s funny that sometimes I want to treat you like you are the most genteel thing on earth. And other times, my feelings for you are so deeply carnal. I would lick you up until you lost your memory and all you remember is bliss. And other times, I want to hold your hand just because they look so soft. I want to be around you because your smell lets me sleep…because your presence, well, it brings a calm to me that I can’t always feel.
And despite all the things I tell you, sometimes, you’re the last person I want to speak to because I want to say all these things. But, I can’t, because I’m me and you’re You. And that is not our type.