• Dear “Dad”

    by  • August 21, 2010 • Family Stuff, Grief, Parents • 0 Comments

    Dear “Dad”,

    Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you and Susan well, and hope that you lead a happy life together.

    I am writing to you to say thank you, and to say goodbye. Thank you for all of the good times we’ve shared, for all of the laughs, the discussions, and the camaraderie. Thank you for supporting me financially through my first few years of high school, and for providing me with such an open home. Thank you for the dinners out, the road trips, and more.

    I also wish to thank you, ultimately, for the pain you have put me through. We say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and if it’s true then I should be able to trump Iron Man by now. We were so close, for so long, and for your own reasons, you decided we had been close for long enough. You can’t argue that I was angry with you for dating, because your relationship with Debra lasted two comfortable years with minimal distancing between us. You were able to balance your personal and home life very well, and I was perfectly happy. Unfortunately, this didn’t continue into your next relationships. I think we can agree that Lynn was a disaster in every sense of the word, but I’m confident that for some reason you took many of her hurtful, selfish words to heart. I am pained to say that you have become like her—only looking out for yourself. Your selfishness is appalling, and I’m confused as to how I never noticed your entire lack of commitment to me as a daughter sooner.

    As a friend, I think you loved me and put energy into our relationship, but we never functioned as parent and child. Your top priority has never been your eldest daughter; and though I struggle to comprehend this, I’m trying to cope with it. I’m sorrowed to see that you’ve allowed this selfishness and blindness to destroy even our friendship, but I’ve let you break my heart too many times to continue hoping. Every tearful conversation in which I’ve ever begged you to wake up was ignored; every plea for simple respect was shut down. I’m not sure who is supporting your decisions, but I hope karma catches up with them sooner rather than later, because anyone that advises a “parent” to leave their child deserves as much pain and suffering as that child must experience upon being abandoned.

    I haven’t cried yet over this last piece of news, the news that came from someone other than you. The news that was withheld even though you’re somehow comfortable with emailing me to “see what’s up”. The news that you’re legalizing our “divorce”.

    Your decision to get married indicates to me a final decision on your behalf—I am no longer a desired part of your life. Only a year ago, I would have been your best man, and now I won’t even be in attendance. I really struggle to understand this, as you’re supposed to be my father. I never asked to be born; you (together with mom) created me, and thrust me out into the world. If you had behaved toward me then as you have the past few years, you’d have been jailed for neglect. As it is, I somehow managed to become a highly successful, independent young woman in spite of all the roadblocks you thrust into my path.

    If this decision to marry Susan and say goodbye to me makes you happy, then so be it. Again, I wish you well. I can’t fathom your actions, but I’m finished allowing them to crush me. I hope you’ve considered this all the way through and made your choices with all of the information available to you.

    I hope you’ve considered the fact that I’m about to leave home and start my own life; that you won’t have any opportunity to reunite with me now. I hope you’ve thought about the fact that just as I won’t be at your wedding as your best man, you won’t be there at mine to walk me down the aisle. I hope you’ve considered what emotions you might feel to discover through a family member that I’ve had kids, and they’ve been growing up without a grandfather. I hope that you’ve looked ahead to your deathbed, when I won’t be staying in the hospital to be arguing with bad nurses on your behalf. I hope you took all of these things into consideration when you made the decision to leave me home alone, to make me empty promises, to let me leave your life, to get married, to not tell me about it.

    If you’ve fully considered all of these facts and you’re comfortable with them, then I believe that you’ll have an easy time moving on from this. If not, then maybe you should reevaluate your relationships and the people you do/don’t take advice from.

    In either case, it’s too late for us. Some wounds are just too deep to heal, and I can’t cope with being shattered anymore.

    Good luck to you, and may you be very happy with your future decisions.

    Your “daughter”,

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